Passive or Aggressive

I know everyone is dysfunctional but I rather begin friendships with people who are the more passive kind that aggressive kind, because I can help them become more assertive, brave and honest, and they see can easily see the benefits.  People who are at the other polarity are less likely to change in my experience because using the hammer seems to "get things done" - they often get what they want from being aggreessive, it's harder to see what they are missing out on, what they are destroying in the process of being aggressive.

Reverse Temporal Engineering by Antony Sammeroff

A scratch night comedy in one act for two actors.
Acknowledgements to Finn Townsley and Gareth K. Vile.

Cast:
TOM. An obnoxious self-described possibilitarian, probably in his early to mid-twenties.
STU. Another character who is more obnoxious than Tom.

Reverse Temporal Engineering.

Tom enters the stage from one side speaking on his mobile phone.
TOM [speaking into his mobile]. Alright man? ... Yeah I'm at my parent’s house... Where are you?... Alright cool that's near mine. 
Stu enters from the other side of the stage, speaking into his phone, they are in different locations.
STU [speaking into his mobile]. Are you coming out tonight?
TOM. I would but I left my wallet in my flat so I'm waiting on my dad coming home and giving me a lift, but he's on night shift.
STU. Damn that sucks.
TOM. Yeah I know. It’s shit.
STU. It’s shitter than shit. It’s like - a turd sandwich with shit as the bread.
TOM. You’re a classy guy. Can you not just conjure up my wallet since you're near mine and I'll walk into town and meet you there?
STU. Well uhm... Maybe I could do that, if I dunno, I had your freaking keys.
TOM. Teleport?
STU. Not invented yet. Why are you at your parent’s house anyway gaylord?
TOM. Well my new brother in law was visiting.
STU. Haaaaa he's bangin' your sister.
TOM. Ummm… yeah. And?
STU. Well, it’s more than you're getting.
TOM. It is more than I'm getting from my sister... not quite as much as I'm getting from your mum.
STU. Touché good sir, I consider myself bested. I assume by your response you like him then?
TOM. Like him how? I'm afraid anything I say will just be construed as an excuse to make a gay joke.
STU. Probably. Well, just like, since you’re, you know, cool with him… how should I put this sensitively?… Ramming? Hm, no. How about ploughing? No, let’s go with Ramming, I like Ramming - original and best. Since you’re cool with him Ramming your sister every night - takin’ that cute little ass to town - I’m supposing you get on with him.
TOM. Such a way with words! I think you managed to make your point really clear there. What a talent. Yeah I get on with him great! Better than with my sister actually hahaha.
STU. Why’s that?
TOM. Well he smokes for one thing, and she doesn't, so we can go out for a fag.
STU. Ah true, that does make him the better human being.
TOM. Indeed.
STU. So when will I catch you? The weekend?
TOM. Balls to that, I’m coming out.
STU. …Of the closet, you surely mean. By the time you walk to yours and then back into town…
TOM. Teleport?
Stu checks his watch.
STU. Noooope… still not invented yet, try again in another half an hour.
TOM. Do you think teleportation will run on the principle of moving particles through a quantum wormhole to another location and reassembling them? or more like a copy and paste mechanism, where the model is molecularly replicated, but the copy is dispatched during the integral process?
STU. Don’t care. Why?
TOM. Well supposing I’m meant to be in two places at once, I could just teleport myself but conveniently forget to “cut” before I “paste” and then there would be two of me.
STU. Yah, but the real you wouldn’t even essentially be at both meetings, so you’d have no memory whatsoever of one of the events. And then what would you do with the copy afterwards? You can’t just Edit/Undo after you control/c control/v. That would be a bit inconvenient to explain away.
TOM. Hmmm yeah I guess you’re right. Maybe he would become unstable and break down of his own volition after filling me in on the details, or maybe his organs could be harvested for science.
STU. No, no, that’s a sentient life form! You’d have protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Clones.
TOM. Damn those ultraliberal hippies at PECA.
STU. You only want two of you so you can suck twice as much cock as you normally do anyway. To be honest, you’d be better off Reverse Temporal Engineering it.
TOM. What, you mean sucking off one cock, and then going back in time afterwards to suck off another one so that I didn’t have to miss out on any of the juicy cock-sucking opportunities presented to me?
STU. Sure. I actually just meant Reverse Temporal Engineering it so you could be at both meetings at the same time and remember, but your admission of love for the cock was equally satisfying.
TOM. More satisfying, surely?
STU. Indeed.
TOM. How much more satisfying?
STU. Seven. Seven times more satisfying.
TOM. And yet, still not as satisfying as your mums vagiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
STU. Damn! Struck by my own sword. You’d also age faster in subjective time while sucking on all those cocks, or being at each of those meetings.
TOM. That’s right actually - but that’s not the only risk. At the second event you could refer to something that happened at the first event which hadn't happened yet subjective to everyone else and confuse people, then – bam! – quantum time paradox, just like that! And the universe collapses in on itself.
STU. That I could deal with, it's all the bullshit you’re talking that troubles me-
TOM. Damn! You really know you lack charisma when a microcosmic temporal contradiction bringing forth the immanent annihilation of the universe along the axes of both time and space is preferable to what is presently occurring in subjective...
STU. Yeah, all that crap would be a relief!
TOM. Ok... I have an idea... Ask behind the bar if your friend left his keys for you.
STU. What are you talking about?
TOM. Look I'm 100% sure this Might work.
STU. Oh you're certain it'll work maybe?'
TOM. Approximately.
STU. On average.
TOM. As a distinct non-zero possibility. In a multiverse all distinct non-zero possibilities become actualities.
STU. In an infinite universe everything that can exist must exist.
TOM. Look, that’s pub talk. Save it for the pub.
STU. But, you're not coming out to the pub because you were at your parents’ house ramming your gay brother-in-law and you left your wallet in your flat.
TOM. Ask behind the bar if my keys are there.
STU. And how exactly do you expect this to work?'
TOM. Well let's see, I saw it in a movie once.
STU. Saw what in a movie?
TOM. This. Teleport isn't invented yet.
STU. Yes, I said that. Twice in fact.
TOM. But, if time travel is invented within my lifetime I can plausibly reverse-temporal engineer things so my keys are left behind the bar for you.
STU. O…kayay... But first - Is the movie you saw this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
TOM. Fuck the shut up!
STU. Don't you mean...
TOM [interrupting]. Whatever!
STU. But was it though?'
TOM. Obviously. But that's besides the point.
STU. I think that is the point exactly. I think the point is you're taking your queues from a sci-fi-teenage-comedy genre-confused mash up.
TOM. Like Biodome.
STU. What the fuck is Biodome?
TOM. Watch it and see.
STU. You're a dick.
TOM. Yeah, but if you never watch it you’ll never know.
STU. If a man is alone at his parents’ house and no one has a clue what the fuck he’s talking about, will he shut the fuck up?
TOM. Get my keys.
Stu moves to the side to address the barman.
STU [to the wings]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a set of keys from the wings.
STU. ‘kin ‘ell! He had your keys!
TOM. See, told you.
STU. ‘the fuck dude?
TOM. ‘the fuck indeed. See, I’m a possibilitarian.
STU. You're a retard. Why didn't you just reverse temporal engineer the keys into your parent’s house?
TOM. Never thought of that.
STU. That’s because you're a retard.
TOM. Not too retarded to do this.
The keys disappear from Stu’s hand or person.
STU. 'kin ell where did they go?
TOM [producing the keys from his pocket and jangling them]. Right here.
STU. Jesus Christ that's awesome!
TOM. Ask the barman for the drink I got you.
STU [addressing the barman again]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a pint from the side of the stage.
STU. ‘The fuck dude!
TOM. Yeah you're totally getting in the next round.
STU. Except not I'm not because you're wallets still in your flat, and you're at your parent’s house, and I don't have your keys anymore to go and get it for you.
TOM. Dammit! I am a retard.
STU. I said it first.
TOM. Well, [Tom produces the wallet from his pocket] here it is now I suppose.
STU. You know, this is a very convoluted way to meet up under the circumstances.
TOM. Yeah you're right... We should sort that out.
Tom hangs up the phone and walks across to the other side of the stage to join Stu.
TOM. Hey man.
STU. Hey, Pint?
TOM. Fuck yeah.
They walk off towards the bar like best of friends.
END.

Do I know you?

-->

by Antony Sammeroff
A scratch night play in one act for one actor and one actress.

Do I know you?

April and Anthony enter from opposite sides of the stage as they draw close they catch eyes and think they know each other immediately, but then a moment of doubt creeps in.
ANTONY [with enthusiasm]. Hey!
APRIL [responding in kind]. Hey!
There is a moment of credulity
ANTONY [communicating with his hands].  I thought we…?
APRIL.  I thought we…
ANTONY.  But we don’t.
APRIL. No, we don’t…
ANTONY.  Well I’m Antony. [He presents his hand]
APRIL. I’m April…
They shake.
ANTONY.  So next time we will.
He smiles.
APRIL.  Next time we will.
They part.

eBay don't pay all their taxes? Good!

Here's an interesting but controversial thought experiment.

In response to this article in the Guardian claiming that eBay has avoided some £50m in taxes, a friend of mine was asking around to see if there was any alternative she could use because she wanted to boycott them.

I asked her to expand on her reasons why, because I thought that the government would only spend the money on wars, corporate welfare, paying off the bankers and their cronies anyway, so what was the point?... She kindly responded:

"It would mean less of an excuse for austerity measures; if they're seen to be collecting the funds, and still cutting the welfare state. The government is very good at shifting the blame - but if places like Starbucks, IKEA, and eBay actually paid taxes, then the government has nowhere to hide."

My thought was that while those propositions may hold true in a socialist utopia, they are actually based on a basic misapprehension of economics which is quite common, particularly on the left, which is that it is actually possible for corporations to pay taxes. In truth, as the (very liberal) Senator, Mike Gravel, put in his book Citizen Power a Mandate for Change (2008) under the chapter which advocates for tax reform (in line the Fair Tax proposals):

"Liberals bristle at the thought of relieving corporations of income taxes. Unfortunately... fooled into thinking that by taxing corporations they shift the cost of government from the people to corporations. Corporations do not pay taxes; they merely collect taxes from their consumers for the government, In fact, a corporate tax is a disguised retail sales tax....

...they simply take the tax into account as an added cost of production… and adjust their prices accordingly... close examination of the tangled corporate tax structure shows it only serves to inflate the cost of goods and services to consumers... Obviously, if we eliminated all corporate taxes and subsidies, the ordinary tax payer would come out far ahead."

These words are not from a reactionary Republican or Thatcherite, but from one of the most liberal senators in the American political system, who became nationally known for his forceful but unsuccessful attempts to end the draft during the Vietnam War and for putting the Pentagon Papers into the public record in 1971 at risk to himself, and then throughout his career campaigned for direct democracy, an end to war, transparency in government, universal healthcare, social security, and all the other trappings of a left-of-centre Democrat.

That might be pretty hard to apprehend because it arouses our sense of injustice that the big boys can get around paying while small business owners and the rest of us tax cattle have to put in for stuff we don’t agree with (like the wars) but perhaps once we realise that this tax money is not being extracted from the bank accounts of rich CEOs, but us independent eBay users the case may becomes clear. We foot the bill.

Rich people don’t pay income tax the same way we do. They have these handy things called corporations. Private individuals earn, get taxed and live off what is left. Corporations earn, spend, and are taxed on what it’s left, check out this handy diagram from Rich Dad, Poor Dad (2000) Robert T. Kiyosaki:

Remember, the status of “Corporation” is a privilege granted to certain companies by the state rather than the free market. If you wanted to tax the receipts of "greedy capitalists" the option would be to place tax on share dividends, although perhaps even those could craftily be passed on to the consumer.

The truth is, if eBay were forced to pay their taxes, all that would likely happen is that they’d raise the price of listing products. The cost will be passed on to the consumer and be borne by buyers and sellers. It's certainly very unlikely to do any good in the world.

eBay is one of the biggest employers in the world, allowing around 350,000 people to work from home and have more leisure time. It facilitates recycling and ends wastage by putting people who want second hand products in touch with people who have those products and no longer need them. It even has a feedback system which allows people to indicate who is trust worthy to exchange with and who is not. There are punitive consequences for not honouring your word, much unlike in the political realm where those who don't keep campaign promises escape unscathed, and those guilty of far greater crimes and misdemeanours under the guise of foreign policy (or even domestic policy) seem to walk above the law.

eBay enriches the lives of millions of people, allowing them to afford things they couldn't otherwise or make a bit of money on the side instead of chucking things out.

To clarify the point, if we are talking about McDonald's who, we’ve been told, cut down the rainforest, or Coca Cola who are said to monopolise, discriminate and poison, or British Gas who are part of a state-granted cartel of the energy industry which continues to increase prices while enjoying higher profits, to the detriment of elderly customers who may freeze to death this winter... If such a company is dodging taxes, by all means go ahead, boycott them. I'd boycott them anyway on a moral principle, perhaps it will make them less competitive.

But eBay? eBay isn't only harmless, it's is a credit to society.

The state, on the other hand, is a non-voluntary institution which institutes corporate monopolies by regulating into place barriers to entry. It makes war, kills more people than all private individuals and corporations put together, provides corporate welfare to the rich, makes nuclear weapons, sells arms to foreign dictators and subsidises nuclear and unsustainable energy despite the risks. It forces people at gun point to pay for indoctrination camps where their children are forced to do what they are told when they are told, habituating them to living in a hierarchical society before they ever enter the work place, and then after 11-13 years of this state-led ‘education’ most come out with so few skills that are economically valuable that they cannot even find minimum wage job. It puts people in cages with violent criminals and rapists if they happen to have the wrong kind of vegetation in their pocket, and at great expense to the tax payer, despite all the reason and evidence showing that drug prohibition has never worked, does not work, will never work - that addiction should be treated as a public health issue rather than a criminal one - and that those countries who have moved in the direction of legalisation or even decriminalisation have had the most positive outcomes. The state spent the younger generation into 1 trillion pounds of debt before they were even born by the act of buying votes from the older generation by giving them public services that they were not paying for themselves with their own tax money, and by printing money which inflated and devalued the currency to the benefit of the elite and detriment of the poor. And then on top of all that, as though that were not enough, they had the cheek to sell the tax payer further down the river by bailing out the bankers who were largely responsible for the economic crisis to the tune of £500 billion pounds in 2008.

The government has the power to force you to pay for all these immoral things whether you agree with them or not. Whether you like them or not. You are bound to by law.
On the other hand, eBay can't force you to pay for a single thing your conscience disagrees with. Literally nothing. Ever.

And I’m supposed to believe that eBay dodging their taxes is the larger social issue at stake here?

Supposing one of us were put in charge of a real life award of fifty million pounds.

We were told that the other judges had narrowed down the decision to two anonymous candidates, and that they needed us to pick one of the two choices as a tie breaker.

All we were given to base our decision on was a brief summary of what each of these bodies had done, say, since eBay's inception in 1995. Those would include, on one side, the wars and expenses scandals for example, and on the other side a charge of infringing on patents (2000) and accusations of fleecing clients with an increase in charges (2008) to name a couple. Could either of us honestly say, given all the information in an essentially unbiased way - a way uncontaminated by the social-bias which says paying taxes is virtuous by its very nature, while avoiding them is necessarily vicious - that we would give the award to the more violent party?

I'm pretty sure I know who I'd give the money to, if I happened to have the choice, and it wouldn't be the institution that had all the guns.

You are wretched and you're mean, You're abraisive and obscene, You're horrible, and nasty too...

...I can't get enough of you!




Ant: this would be a cool chorus for a glam rock song
Alan: IM NOT BEING IN A GLAM ROCK BAND!
Ant: welll fuuuuuck you I'll peddle my eyeliner elsewhere

----------Some Fun Discussing Theology----------

Ken: would you rather be god's worst enemy or completely no existent
Ken: assuming the big chap exists
Ant: surely that would make me satan
Ant: which means I'd have a wicked cool fiery realm of my own
Ken: though if Satan takes all the nasty folk then surely God is reliant on him to make heaven so lovely
Ant: yeah true
Ant: very reliant
Ken: so they must be in cahoots rather than worst enemies i'd say
Ant: maybe no one actually gets sent to hell and so he just needs to wallow there alone
Ken: plus Satan was supposedly an angel at one point wasn't he?
Ant: he fell
Ken: in a certain respect
Ant: down to the fiery depths
Ken: depends which bible you're reading
Ken: if it's the christian one he was an angel who got a bit unruley
Ant: oh did he not tell god to fuck off and fdo his own dirty work?
Ken: eh not quite
Ant: basically he was sick of being the harbinger of sorrow
Ant: angel of death rather
Ant: and said piss off am not doing it anymore
Ken: that sounds viable actually
Ken: im basing my knowledge on the Peter Cook film Bedazzled
Ant: and god told him welll FUUUUUUCK you then get down to hell
Ken: which suggests it was satans arrogance that got him banished
Ken: rather than laziness
Ant: personally I sympathise with satan, I wouldn't want to be the angel of death
Ant: this God doesn't sound that loving all of a sudden
Ken: dunno Satan shouldnt have went around speaking through Serpents to be fair
Ken: if you're God you've got to take a strong hand with those types, or else they'll be speaking through giraffes before you know it
Ant: point
Ken: i'm now on wikipedia researching satan
Ken: the Angel of Death is his role in jewish theology
Ken: or at least thats how he's interpreted
Ant: right
Ant: now The Old Testament is still a testament of both the Christian and Muslim faiths
Ken: christians believe he was an angel to proud to bow to god
Ant: so which is right if both are testaments of god in the eys of a christian?
Ken: dunno this is all fairly new to me
Ken: maybe its an inconsistency
Ken: apparently theres plenty of those
Ant: yeah like "an eye for an eye" and "turn the cheek"
Ken: yeah and apparently the disciples all had different angles to how they wanted to portray jesus and it ended up with quite contrasting accounts of the same event
Ant: hrm

----------And Glasgow----------

Carine: so what's planned for tomorrow?
Ant: well my plans are to get up at 6 in the morning and embark on a quest
Carine: ooooo! a quest!
Carine: go on!
Ant: in the early hours I shall stalk the streets of newlands until I come upon the monolith...
Ant: ...that which is more widely know as "the bus stop" ...
Carine: ah...:P
Ant: and from that point I shall be picked up by a magical vehicle, able to traverse large distances at a greater spped than any human
Ant: this vehicle... more often know as "the bus"
Carine: NO WAY!
Ant: this so-called "bus" shall take me right into the very heart of the horrible, sordid badlands best knows as "Glasgow"
Ant: many strange creatures inhabit the heart of the badlands
Ant: some harmless, such as the big issue vendors
Ant: others hazerdous, such as the neds and junkies
Carine: hahahaha
Ant: I shall avoid these creatures as a bad encounter with one may be deadly
Ant: and I shall hasten to the apointed place where which I shall embark on yet another journey in a "bus"
Ant: and finally I shall arrive at the place where knowledge is obtained...
Ant: ...The College
Carine: not the collage!!!!
Carine: poor you ant! that sounds like a really horrid journey!
Carine: and at 6 in the morning!
Carine: poor poor you! 

Assorted bit and pieces, that are amusing in various degrees

Some of these are actually really old. enjoy. (or don't, see if I care)

Amanda: Did you listen to that song?
Antony: Not yet I was busy playing my ass off
Amanda: will you listen to it now?
Antony: I'm still busy playing my ass off
Amanda: GAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Antony: sorry but if I don't play lots I won't be able to achieve my life time ambition...

Antony: ...of having played lots

------

Antony: i want some
Christina: want some wot?
Antony: physical interaction with the opposite sex
Antony: including, but not limited to, kissing and sexual intercourse

-----

Antony: Yo
David Guy: hey man!!
Antony: how are ya bud
David Guy: fantastic!
David Guy: im going out with christina
Antony: Really??? well imagine that!
David Guy: how about you?
Antony: I'm going with your maw
Antony: it's nothing serious but we've been seeing each other for a while

-----

Antony: Keith Emerson had yer maw
BodomNight60:  that would be cool
Antony: HAHAHAH thats exactly what I was thinking!
Antony: I would be like.... totally proud


Antony: I was listening to dad rock
Cara: what dad rock were you listening to? 
Antony: fucksake
Antony: Fleetwood mac
Cara: ah, not a fan 
Cara: but 
Cara: my dad is ;p



------

The opposite sex seeks to destroy us!!:
Christina: i hate it when guys hurt me *disapproving angry face*
Antony: well it happens
Antony: I think there is a mad cult of girls who have the sole mission of gaining my trust JUST so they can hurt me straight afterwards...
Christina: im sure thats not true.
Antony: they do, they hold meetings every second week on a friday night, and there's a annual convention held in the West End
Christina: ahahha


Ducks:
Antony: fuckety fuck
Antony: am bored
Shannon: o.0 lmao fuck a duck
Antony: fuck a duck??
Antony: don't mind if I do!
Shannon: XD nice
Antony: will you be a duck?
Shannon: maybeee
Antony: heeeeeeere ducky ducky ducky
Shannon: *runs away*
Antony: *chases after duckypoo*
Antony: duckypoo!!! come back!!!
Shannon: *screams and runs faster*
Antony: where are you duckypoo???
Antony: *gets hold of you and scoops you up into my arms*
Antony: now I just gotz to pluck all your wee ducky feathers
Antony: and put you in a pot for dinner mmmm mmm mmm
Shannon: O.O no
Antony: don't worry duckeypoo it's be nice n warm in the oven

Mysogynist:
Antony: you was in my journal
Christina: ano I was
Antony: aw you saw it <3
Christina: I want on it again !
Antony: well you'll have to say something funny then, you might manage
Christina: i cant
Antony: well the other way to get in is to say something which inspires me to say something funny... that way you get in indirectly
Christina: i have asda bunny ears for easter?
Antony: erm just take the third option...
Antony: a blowjob

Psychomar:
I used to be fond of whales. In fact, I even did a charity gig for "Save the Whale,"
Raised enough money to save a whole load of them!
Then, a week later I got mugged! And not one of the fat bastards turned up to help me out!
So now I do gigs for "Save the Plankton."
Ungreatful shits.

Cara and Ant on an Epic Adventure

(Act I)
Cara: aging is a terrible thing
Ant: terrible
Cara: lets find the elixir of life
Cara: me and you on an epic adventure
Cara: we could wear my viking helmets
Cara: that would make a well good tv show
Ant: epic eh
Cara: yes!
Ant: as in, like... wow... it could be a three part trilogy !!
Cara: we could have battle metal soundtracks
Cara: yes! like LOTR! ^__^
Ant: NOT LIKE LOTR... Like our own original three part trilogy dammit!!
Act One - This conversation + other background, then we set out
Act Two - We encounter obstacles
Act Three - We encounter a big ass obstacle and prevail, we return home and people rejoice
Cara: this is so cool
Ant: hrm... sounds a bit like every other three part trilogy I suppose
Cara: yeah, but we're in it, so its better!
Ant: true dat

(Act II)
Ant: we rule
Cara: we so do
Ant: it's a scientifically proven fact
Cara: <3
Ant: they have done repeat experiments and each time the results were conclusive
Cara: it's in science books and all, right at the back
Ant: they don't even need to publish it any more because it's so widely accepted that most take it for granted
Cara: :D

(Act III)
*Cara and Ant get old...
...and die*

Some funny conversations from previous weeks to cheer me up (and hopefully you alike)

Sivan: what is the symbol for inches?
Antony: """
Sivan: """?
Antony: the two sets of inverted commas on either side were to indicate that what was in between (a pair of inverted commas) was the symbol for inches

Sivan: ever want burritos?
Antony: yes
Sivan: do you want burritos now?
Antony: hrm
Antony: could eat one
Antony: not more
Sivan: can i have the other one?
Antony: ok
Sivan: thankyou
Antony: they're yourse anyway
Sivan: they are?
Antony: well they aint mine, i aint got no boritos
Sivan: nor have i
Antony: whose are the burritos, then?
Antony: hypotheticals boritos
Sivan: they are the hypothetical burritos' burritos
Antony: a burito can't own buritos
Sivan: why not?
Antony: well hypothetical ones can I suppose
Antony: but thats like, burito slavery or something
Sivan: possibly
Antony: hypothetically
Sivan: possibly hypothetically


Cara: your hair rules
Antony: it gets pretty unruly actually


Antony: oi, stop being such a grubby little pessimist
Cara: heh
Cara: i'll always be a pessimist.
Antony: thats very pessimistic of you


Internet Girl: im into stuff that takes ur mind off reality
Antony: like crack


All About King Kong:
Antony: I don't really fancy it
Antony: and now that I've heard it's 4 HOURS LONG I fancy it even less
Internet guy: apparently theres very little dialogue, which i cant say is surprising
Antony: thats four hours I'll never see again
Internet guy: 4 hours?! fuck that
Antony: who wants to see a four hour long movie
Antony: I mean how can they even do 4 hours on king kong?
- the origins of king kong
- king kong comes to city
- king kong breaks some stuff
- king kong climbs up a skyscraper with lady in his hand
- king kong gets done in
- happy ending


Sivan: the anarchists would like this, i think
Antony: and liberals
Antony: but liberals are all talk and no action
Sivan: i'm just saying you might like to talk to them; they do a swapshop every year, 's when they act most to get people involved
Antony: they say this and that, "oh I'm a doctor, I'm a good person, I vote labour not conservative"
Sivan: haha, well, that's what liberals are like
Sivan: have you got a better alternative?
Antony: a better alternative than what?
Sivan: being liberal?
Antony: I have lots of alternatives, I'm listing them in a book
Sivan: ...that's gotta be one of the cutest things i've ever heard you say, you know


-----

Antony: right now I'm more interested in a snuggle than sex
Dave that guy: dude
Dave that guy: do not talk absolute bollocks plz !!! when a woman comes along and uve not had it in yonkies years, all u think about is pantys doooon plz 

-----

The Dark Secrets Of Chainology

Kit: you should create a religon
Ant: hrmmmm can't be bothered with the effort
Kit:but it would be a cool religon, like chainology
Ant: but it would take sooooo long
Kit:but it would be totally awesome and you'd be a millionare if it was a cult
Ant: you can form it for me
Kit: okay. one day when the moon has exploded, and we're all out floating around in space, ill invent chainology in your name and track you down
Kit: that would be awesome, it would be the firat human religon to be made in space

Ant: here, I have got a cool idea
Ant: we can tell everyone that we brought Chainology back from far in the future when scientists have proven for a fact what the one true religion is, and everyone accepts it without dispute, because it is self-evident....
.....and that one true religion is..... Chainology!!!
Kit: damn, that is so fucking genius.
Ant: GENIUS
Kit: hell yeah 

Some Laughs

(26/11/05)
Bx: wot u up 2?
antz: being confused
Bx: so it aint jst me?
antz: no, absolutely not
antz: being confused is practically my occupation these days

-----

Bx: can u do maths by ne chance?
antz: a bit
Bx: help
antz: whats the problem?

*snicker, snicker*

-----

Cara: what would you rather do or go fishing?
Me: hmmm... what would I rather do or go fishing...
Me: I choose fishing
Me: just coz I don't really understand what the other option means

-----

Sivan: boo
Me: I was just going to say hi to you
Sivan: guess i beat you, huh?
Me: guess so
Me: but
Me: I'm going to inform the appropriate authorities
Me: and they are going to arrest you
Me: as a consequence of your tendancy towards domestic violence
Sivan: damnit
Sivan: tattletale

-----

Me: someone was talking about driving and how it gets them from A to B and I was saying that if I was at A, my home, my only concern was that B, the local pub, was in walking distance
Me: and she's like "what if it's cold?"
Me: and I'm like "well then I walk as briskly as possible and make it a double when I get there"

Maniacally In Love

some bits n bobs:


Deb:
i feel like starting arguements
it needs to be someone of lower intelligence

Moi:
Pick on someone your own IQ!

----------

Me: I never killed nobody
Me: you can't prove nothin
Cara: i found the body
Cara: guess i shoulda told you i was an undercover cop
Me: oh, you gonna put me under a rest... officer?
Cara: i have handcuffs ;-)
Me: oh, you gonna cuff me?
Me: and then what, huh?
Cara: cuff you and kiss you
Cara: im not very good at my job
Cara: can you tell?
Me: killed a man and I get a kiss
Me: I can feel a genocide coming on


Cara: lustfully
Cara: good word
Me: better then "hornily*
Cara: thats true
Me: although lustful kissing would soon make way for horny kissing
Cara: isnt it just the same?
Me: I think it's a bit more like... only sexually directed
Me: well not quite in those words
Me: it's a bit more raw
Cara: whereas lustful is more sorta
Cara: NOT just wanting in pants
Cara: just...wanting
Me: an extreme version of desire
Me: I desire
Me: your kisses
Cara: extremely?
Me: extremely!
Cara: lustfully
Me: I lust for your kiss

----------

Amy 00:06:07 20-11-2005
Wooo...im quite drunk but im bak home now =) im jus wunderin, wots ur last name? I no i told u mine but i dnt no urz. Thats terrible lol =)
Me 00:xx:xx 20-11-2005
Think i'll leave u guessin till Monday, lol, Hint: it's not Rumpelstiltskin!
Amy 00:33:49 20-11-2005
Oh cum on =) i wont 4get =) im not that drunk lol! If i ask nicely, wud u tell me?
Me 00:35:56 20-11-2005
Ok then, I admit, it actually *IS* Rumpelstiltskin
Amy 00:37:08 20-11-2005
Dnt joke lol. I wana no =)
Me 00:38:24 20-11-2005
Hehe this is fun ^.^
Amy 00:39:45 20-11-2005
=( cum on, please tell me? C i askt nicely =)
Me 00:41:39 20-11-2005
I better get a *REALLY* big kiss for this...
Amy 00:43:01 20-11-2005
Of course *giggles*
Me 00:44:59 20-11-2005
My Surname is... Da-dada-da *drum roll* Sammeroff


----------


Me: sometimes I feel like a cetain book, or film, or meeting a certain person comes at EXACTLY the right time in my life
BDN: hmm
Me: maybe my subconscious drew it to me
BDN: i know what you mean
BDN: if i had never got a myspace account i never would have met alex, my friend from iceland, who is a big bodom fan, like myself
Me: do you like him more then me :'( *sob*
BDN: and if i had never read that issue of kerrang, i would never have got the idea to download some bathory, which would never have led to me buying their album, which would never have led to me discovering the most moving song of my life
Me: basically you are saying
Me: every action has a reaction
Me: cause and effect
BDN: i suppose so
BDN: seen butterfly effect?
Me: no fraid not
BDN: its about exactly that
BDN: cause and effect
Me: it would be cool if your could do some causes without their effects
Me: like smoke n not get cancer
BDN: you can
Me: or punch som1 in the face and not get totalled
BDN: lol
BDN: or drink 22 and a half bottles of beer and not get drunk... oh wait my mate did that
BDN: believe it or not
Me: hey no way
BDN: for real
Me: getting drunk from drinking is one effect I like probably more then the cause


BDN: but hes a behemoth, hes gotten drunk twice since ive known him
BDN: about a year
BDN: and we drink nearly every weekend
BDN: its not that he wont, he CANT
BDN: hes too big lol
Me: is he? oh, I didn't realise you two were intimate


Me: night night
BDN: sleep tight
BDN: watch the bed bugs dont miraculously mutate into huge vicious beasts and devour you as you sleep, leaving only gallons of blood and a few chunks of flesh to identify you by
Me: ok

----------

Random AOL Girl I Was Chatting To: u know wot
Me: wot?
Random AOL Girl I Was Chatting To: i fancy u lol

-----


†MHP says:
I pulled a random which was pretty funny
†MHP says:
she was standing beside me at the front
†MHP says:
and she SUCKED
†MHP says:
she SUCKED my tongue!
Deb says:
lol
†MHP says:
it was weird!
†MHP says:
I've never had ne one kiss like that
†MHP says:
WTF was that all about
Deb says:
:/
Deb says:
maybe she was trying to show you her sucking skills?
†MHP says:
I should have sucked back... like a tug of war!
Deb says:
lol

-----

...Courtney Love is just like the girl next door...

... if you happen to live next door to a methodone clinic

-----

†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
hey you
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
I was just thinking of you
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
while I was making my sandwich
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
or eating it
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
I can't quite remember what stage I was at
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
I might have just finished it
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
but whatever it was I was doing relating to the sandwich
†MHP [ control your own reality ] says:
it involved thinking of you

August 2005 Funny Stuff

Ben - "Now that all that pedanticism is behind us..."
Ant - "Dude, the word is 'pedantry'"

"to me flirting is not a means to an end, it's an end in itself"

Kaye: how old r u again?
Ant: what?
Kaye: how old r u
Ant: about 10 o clock
Kaye: stop it, how old r u
Ant: I'm not sure if I can this weekend, sorry

Amanda: ur my jerkfuck baby :)
Antony: prove it
Amanda: u cant prove jerkfuck lol
Amanda: it's just a way of being lol
Antony: wise man say: if you are truly a jerkfuck you need no proof, it is simply known

Ant: ohhhh come to Scotland and see the Loch Ness Monster
Omar: is that what they're calling your girlfriend these days?
Ant: I don't have a girlfriend :-(
Omar: aw... i'm sure its not your fault, maybe your just ugly



I just remembered this incident from a few days ago:
Mum: Why don't you go and do some work in Africa?
Antony: Because I don't want AIDS

I'm so PC

"The Misunderstood Magician" by Omar Karmally

i saw a man pull a bunny out of his hat
he called it magic
i saw him cut a woman in half
he called it magic
i went home and cut a bunny in half
i'm just a misunderstood magician
- psychOmar (the comical genius) 

Guy: you look so different to how i expected dude
Me: in what way dude?
Guy: i expected you to look like average joe
Guy: you look like some metal god lol
Me: HAHAHA thanks man thats about the best compliment I've had

-----

Ok, I got 8 items in from Amazon including 11 books, that means I've got another 4 odd coming, here's waht people had to say when I told them that twelve books I'd ordered is "more then they'd read in their life." :

- probably is actually
- haha true :(
- Uh huh. I doubt it
- hehe rpobly
- oh shut up i've read more than 12
- fuck u tony
- is it fuck
- so what makes u reckon i've not read 12 books?
- yea of course it is 

they'll use it as an excuse to invade Iran and pass their fascistic "anti-terrorist" laws

Antony: I hope you're well
Romy: yes yes
Romy: interesting day
Romy: so any terrorist attacks in glasgow?
Antony: nope, not yet but here's hoping
Romy: lol, thats a terrible thing to say
Antony: I know, Terrorble
Romy: lol

----> <----

Sofie: one of my m8s mums wos killed thou
l8r->
Sofie: i can see why they did it yeh
Sofie: we've killed loads of their kids

----> <----

30,000 a day in Africa and they're talking about 38 on the news.
I don't see the difference between a bomb in London and one in Iraq, it's still someone's friends mum who dies.


later on 29th:

troops out

According to the BBC: "Iraq PM urges 'speedy' US pullout"

" ...but Bush has blue balls "


(Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/4720083.stm)

June 2005 Laughs "I believe in magic rainbows because I'm an optimist"

†● LïŋО ●† says:
i'm so happy, i was randomly looking at some CPL gig photos and I found one of me and keeny at the front of the FF crowd at the carling academy!!

†● LïŋО ●† says:
i cant believe i found it

†MHP says:
oh no! now they'll have photographic evidence of you liking Fear Factory for the rest of your life!!

†● LïŋО ●† says:
-_-

 ----------

"Why are you reffering to yourself as Awesomeo?"
"Awesomeo refers to himself as Awesomeo, because, he is pretty Awesome"



Omar: i'm kinda high-maintanance
Me: the only maintenance you need is a slap 

Antony:
"Timeline:
>>> Trigger Happy Goes Back In Time And Locks Guy Who Invented Crazy Frog In Box
>>> Guy Who Invented Crazy Frog Sits In Box Bored, Thinking Of Things To Do When He Gets Out
>>> Guy Who Invented Crazy Frog Comes Up With Crazy Frog
>>> Trigger Happy Goes Back In Time And Locks Guy Who Invented Crazy Frog In Box"



Antony: I beleive in magic rainbows because I'm an optimist
Debby: but rainbows are real
Antony: but I beleive in magic rainbows because I'm an optimist
Debby: RAINBOWS ARE REAL. they are ALL magic
Antony: wow! you're really optimistic!!

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't...