Reverse Temporal Engineering by Antony Sammeroff

A scratch night comedy in one act for two actors.
Acknowledgements to Finn Townsley and Gareth K. Vile.

Cast:
TOM. An obnoxious self-described possibilitarian, probably in his early to mid-twenties.
STU. Another character who is more obnoxious than Tom.

Reverse Temporal Engineering.

Tom enters the stage from one side speaking on his mobile phone.
TOM [speaking into his mobile]. Alright man? ... Yeah I'm at my parent’s house... Where are you?... Alright cool that's near mine. 
Stu enters from the other side of the stage, speaking into his phone, they are in different locations.
STU [speaking into his mobile]. Are you coming out tonight?
TOM. I would but I left my wallet in my flat so I'm waiting on my dad coming home and giving me a lift, but he's on night shift.
STU. Damn that sucks.
TOM. Yeah I know. It’s shit.
STU. It’s shitter than shit. It’s like - a turd sandwich with shit as the bread.
TOM. You’re a classy guy. Can you not just conjure up my wallet since you're near mine and I'll walk into town and meet you there?
STU. Well uhm... Maybe I could do that, if I dunno, I had your freaking keys.
TOM. Teleport?
STU. Not invented yet. Why are you at your parent’s house anyway gaylord?
TOM. Well my new brother in law was visiting.
STU. Haaaaa he's bangin' your sister.
TOM. Ummm… yeah. And?
STU. Well, it’s more than you're getting.
TOM. It is more than I'm getting from my sister... not quite as much as I'm getting from your mum.
STU. Touché good sir, I consider myself bested. I assume by your response you like him then?
TOM. Like him how? I'm afraid anything I say will just be construed as an excuse to make a gay joke.
STU. Probably. Well, just like, since you’re, you know, cool with him… how should I put this sensitively?… Ramming? Hm, no. How about ploughing? No, let’s go with Ramming, I like Ramming - original and best. Since you’re cool with him Ramming your sister every night - takin’ that cute little ass to town - I’m supposing you get on with him.
TOM. Such a way with words! I think you managed to make your point really clear there. What a talent. Yeah I get on with him great! Better than with my sister actually hahaha.
STU. Why’s that?
TOM. Well he smokes for one thing, and she doesn't, so we can go out for a fag.
STU. Ah true, that does make him the better human being.
TOM. Indeed.
STU. So when will I catch you? The weekend?
TOM. Balls to that, I’m coming out.
STU. …Of the closet, you surely mean. By the time you walk to yours and then back into town…
TOM. Teleport?
Stu checks his watch.
STU. Noooope… still not invented yet, try again in another half an hour.
TOM. Do you think teleportation will run on the principle of moving particles through a quantum wormhole to another location and reassembling them? or more like a copy and paste mechanism, where the model is molecularly replicated, but the copy is dispatched during the integral process?
STU. Don’t care. Why?
TOM. Well supposing I’m meant to be in two places at once, I could just teleport myself but conveniently forget to “cut” before I “paste” and then there would be two of me.
STU. Yah, but the real you wouldn’t even essentially be at both meetings, so you’d have no memory whatsoever of one of the events. And then what would you do with the copy afterwards? You can’t just Edit/Undo after you control/c control/v. That would be a bit inconvenient to explain away.
TOM. Hmmm yeah I guess you’re right. Maybe he would become unstable and break down of his own volition after filling me in on the details, or maybe his organs could be harvested for science.
STU. No, no, that’s a sentient life form! You’d have protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Clones.
TOM. Damn those ultraliberal hippies at PECA.
STU. You only want two of you so you can suck twice as much cock as you normally do anyway. To be honest, you’d be better off Reverse Temporal Engineering it.
TOM. What, you mean sucking off one cock, and then going back in time afterwards to suck off another one so that I didn’t have to miss out on any of the juicy cock-sucking opportunities presented to me?
STU. Sure. I actually just meant Reverse Temporal Engineering it so you could be at both meetings at the same time and remember, but your admission of love for the cock was equally satisfying.
TOM. More satisfying, surely?
STU. Indeed.
TOM. How much more satisfying?
STU. Seven. Seven times more satisfying.
TOM. And yet, still not as satisfying as your mums vagiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
STU. Damn! Struck by my own sword. You’d also age faster in subjective time while sucking on all those cocks, or being at each of those meetings.
TOM. That’s right actually - but that’s not the only risk. At the second event you could refer to something that happened at the first event which hadn't happened yet subjective to everyone else and confuse people, then – bam! – quantum time paradox, just like that! And the universe collapses in on itself.
STU. That I could deal with, it's all the bullshit you’re talking that troubles me-
TOM. Damn! You really know you lack charisma when a microcosmic temporal contradiction bringing forth the immanent annihilation of the universe along the axes of both time and space is preferable to what is presently occurring in subjective...
STU. Yeah, all that crap would be a relief!
TOM. Ok... I have an idea... Ask behind the bar if your friend left his keys for you.
STU. What are you talking about?
TOM. Look I'm 100% sure this Might work.
STU. Oh you're certain it'll work maybe?'
TOM. Approximately.
STU. On average.
TOM. As a distinct non-zero possibility. In a multiverse all distinct non-zero possibilities become actualities.
STU. In an infinite universe everything that can exist must exist.
TOM. Look, that’s pub talk. Save it for the pub.
STU. But, you're not coming out to the pub because you were at your parents’ house ramming your gay brother-in-law and you left your wallet in your flat.
TOM. Ask behind the bar if my keys are there.
STU. And how exactly do you expect this to work?'
TOM. Well let's see, I saw it in a movie once.
STU. Saw what in a movie?
TOM. This. Teleport isn't invented yet.
STU. Yes, I said that. Twice in fact.
TOM. But, if time travel is invented within my lifetime I can plausibly reverse-temporal engineer things so my keys are left behind the bar for you.
STU. O…kayay... But first - Is the movie you saw this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
TOM. Fuck the shut up!
STU. Don't you mean...
TOM [interrupting]. Whatever!
STU. But was it though?'
TOM. Obviously. But that's besides the point.
STU. I think that is the point exactly. I think the point is you're taking your queues from a sci-fi-teenage-comedy genre-confused mash up.
TOM. Like Biodome.
STU. What the fuck is Biodome?
TOM. Watch it and see.
STU. You're a dick.
TOM. Yeah, but if you never watch it you’ll never know.
STU. If a man is alone at his parents’ house and no one has a clue what the fuck he’s talking about, will he shut the fuck up?
TOM. Get my keys.
Stu moves to the side to address the barman.
STU [to the wings]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a set of keys from the wings.
STU. ‘kin ‘ell! He had your keys!
TOM. See, told you.
STU. ‘the fuck dude?
TOM. ‘the fuck indeed. See, I’m a possibilitarian.
STU. You're a retard. Why didn't you just reverse temporal engineer the keys into your parent’s house?
TOM. Never thought of that.
STU. That’s because you're a retard.
TOM. Not too retarded to do this.
The keys disappear from Stu’s hand or person.
STU. 'kin ell where did they go?
TOM [producing the keys from his pocket and jangling them]. Right here.
STU. Jesus Christ that's awesome!
TOM. Ask the barman for the drink I got you.
STU [addressing the barman again]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a pint from the side of the stage.
STU. ‘The fuck dude!
TOM. Yeah you're totally getting in the next round.
STU. Except not I'm not because you're wallets still in your flat, and you're at your parent’s house, and I don't have your keys anymore to go and get it for you.
TOM. Dammit! I am a retard.
STU. I said it first.
TOM. Well, [Tom produces the wallet from his pocket] here it is now I suppose.
STU. You know, this is a very convoluted way to meet up under the circumstances.
TOM. Yeah you're right... We should sort that out.
Tom hangs up the phone and walks across to the other side of the stage to join Stu.
TOM. Hey man.
STU. Hey, Pint?
TOM. Fuck yeah.
They walk off towards the bar like best of friends.
END.

Knives in Hens and Frames of Reference

Tonight I went to see Knives in Hens at the Tramway Theatre with Gareth Vile.

It was a really bizarre experience for me because the director made the decision to execute the piece in a sort of surrealistic style which (I am told on good authority from Gareth) is popular in Belgian theatre. This is supposedly very much at odds with how the writer (David Harrower) is usually interpreted, in a very naturalistic style typical to British theatre.

What made this so strange and educational is I felt I had no frame of reference to judge the piece by...
I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed it all the way through, but I couldn't say that anything was wrong with it either.

In other words, if you give me a piece of music to look at I can tell you whether it's good or not, if you think good is subjecive lets say i can say whether it works or not. I can tell you if the harmonic changes are clever or basic, if the melody is inspired or average, if there are interesting rhythmic features, if the parts are written idiomatically for the instruments that have to play them, etc.

I can tell you those things because I have a reasonably sophisticated understanding of music.

Basically I couldn't say whether this piece was good or not because I didn't know what criterion I should be judging it by. That's a very interesting experience for someone who doesn't believe the quality of art in entirely subjective and aesthetics go beyond reason (hence, in part, the name of this blog.)

I was so glad that I didn't have to review it because in this instance my opinion would really not be a qualified one. I'd have to fake it. Until I've seen another four or five pieces in this idiom I wouldn't have much to say about it other than I found it a bit too long and intense, but there were some beautiful moments.

Gareth explained a lot of context on the walk home which helped clarify what was going on to a degree.

It's amazing how everything you see broadens your awareness, especially if you can discuss it in detail with someone on the way home :-) This was a funny point because we were talking about whether it was successful or not and as we reached the door Gareth said something like, "If the point of the play was to get people to discuss whether they liked it or not all the way home then it would be an outrageous success." True.

Here is an insightful review of Knives in Hens by Lyn Gardner at The Guardian, she's a very good critic, I've read a couple of her reviews.

Another review of Knives in Hens by Mark Fisher writing for The Guardian in Edinburgh

I've looked at other  reviews as well but none I found particularly worth sharing.

Critics Writing Manifestos

I spent an enjoyable early evening at the residence of one Mr. Gareth Vile discussing, amongst other things, the nature and purposes of art criticism which culminated in the idea of critics writing manifestos on where they feel the present spirit of art is going wrong and what they think it ought to be doing in order to improve and 'get it right'

I now have an idea for an article to develop on the future of Musical Theatre.
I am very crtical of musical theatre in its present state, not because I hate the medium but because I love it. I have a clear picture of what I think contemporary Musical Theatre could be doing and see what musical theatre could and should be doing today (alongside the present forms in which it exists if not instead of them) and know how wonderful it would be to see it doing that so I will enjoy pontificating on the concept and receiving (even being influenced by) the feedback of others on those ideas. Watch this space.

Current News

Hello out there mr/mrs (delete as appropriate) read-y person, sorry if this blogish thingy looks a bit clinical so far, I just set it up today and backdated some posts with haste so they might be a bit minimal in content but they're doing their job of archiving my shiz.

What am I doing?

- Right now I'm writing music for seven-piece ensemble to accompany a production of Stuart Marshall's Close and Faraway which will be staged in September by Attune Theatre,

please stay attuned eh-em for more news on this and possibly previews of some of the stuff I'm working on.

- I'm also working with Mr. Finn Townsley on a project (play? screenplay? sitcom?) called Fish and Moose. Click the link to read about it.

- Illich Sketch Show rages on, despite the evil machinations of the Villainous Dr. Haber who plans to put a stop to it all.

- I don't know if I should really mention this because I'm not sure I will be making updates on it but I'm working on some kind of novella called Beyond Reason which is a platform to entail anystrange philosophical insights I am gleaning from life or inspired by books I'm reading. Just some kind of big mash-up we'll see.

Today was mostly spent chilling at an abode in the care of one Mr. Gareth Vile of The Vile Arts Radio Hour (which strangely always seems to run for two hours - go figure) speaking of life, the universe plus anything and everything under the sun ranging from art, theatre and music to philosophy, politics and relationships, all over about half a million roll-up cigarettes and filter coffee. afternoon win.