Why does everyone glorify being professional?
Being professional means you can't turn up with a hangover.
Being professional means you can't turn up late.
Being professional means you can't get drunk!
Being professional means you can't sleep with the actress, or the barmaid.
Being professional means you have to get in at a reasonable time.
Being professional means you have to get Up at a reasonable time!
Being professional means - you have to listen here - this is serious!
Being professional means you have to walk the walk like you talk the talk.
Being professional means you have to act like you know what you're doing, even when you don't! Which is most of the time.
Being professional means you have to act like everyone else knows what they're doing, even when they don't! Which is most of the time.
Maybe, just maybe, if we all just Stop!... this glorification of being professional,
then we can all enjoy... being unprofessional together...
- Hold on - oh, shit, sorry, I have to take this. It's a business call.
14/08/13
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Monday, 25 February 2013
Friday, 9 November 2012
Reverse Temporal Engineering by Antony Sammeroff
A scratch night comedy
in one act for two actors.
Acknowledgements to Finn Townsley and Gareth K. Vile.
Acknowledgements to Finn Townsley and Gareth K. Vile.
Cast:
TOM. An obnoxious self-described possibilitarian, probably in his early to mid-twenties.
STU. Another character who is more obnoxious than Tom.
TOM. An obnoxious self-described possibilitarian, probably in his early to mid-twenties.
STU. Another character who is more obnoxious than Tom.
Reverse
Temporal Engineering.
Tom
enters the stage from one side speaking on his mobile phone.
TOM [speaking into his mobile]. Alright man? ... Yeah I'm at my parent’s house... Where are you?... Alright cool that's near mine.
Stu enters from the other side of the stage, speaking into his phone, they are in different locations.
STU [speaking into his mobile]. Are you coming out tonight?
TOM. I would but I left my wallet in my flat so I'm waiting on my dad coming home and giving me a lift, but he's on night shift.
STU. Damn that sucks.
TOM. Yeah I know. It’s shit.
STU. It’s shitter than shit. It’s like - a turd sandwich with shit as the bread.
TOM. You’re a classy guy. Can you not just conjure up my wallet since you're near mine and I'll walk into town and meet you there?
STU. Well uhm... Maybe I could do that, if I dunno, I had your freaking keys.
TOM. Teleport?
STU. Not invented yet. Why are you at your parent’s house anyway gaylord?
TOM. Well my new brother in law was visiting.
STU. Haaaaa he's bangin' your sister.
TOM. Ummm… yeah. And?
STU. Well, it’s more than you're getting.
TOM. It is more than I'm getting from my sister... not quite as much as I'm getting from your mum.
STU. Touché good sir, I consider myself bested. I assume by your response you like him then?
TOM. Like him how? I'm afraid anything I say will just be construed as an excuse to make a gay joke.
STU. Probably. Well, just like, since you’re, you know, cool with him… how should I put this sensitively?… Ramming? Hm, no. How about ploughing? No, let’s go with Ramming, I like Ramming - original and best. Since you’re cool with him Ramming your sister every night - takin’ that cute little ass to town - I’m supposing you get on with him.
TOM. Such a way with words! I think you managed to make your point really clear there. What a talent. Yeah I get on with him great! Better than with my sister actually hahaha.
STU. Why’s that?
TOM. Well he smokes for one thing, and she doesn't, so we can go out for a fag.
STU. Ah true, that does make him the better human being.
TOM. Indeed.
STU. So when will I catch you? The weekend?
TOM. Balls to that, I’m coming out.
STU. …Of the closet, you surely mean. By the time you walk to yours and then back into town…
TOM. Teleport?
Stu checks his watch.
STU. Noooope… still not invented yet, try again in another half an hour.
TOM. Do you think teleportation will run on the principle of moving particles through a quantum wormhole to another location and reassembling them? or more like a copy and paste mechanism, where the model is molecularly replicated, but the copy is dispatched during the integral process?
STU. Don’t care. Why?
TOM. Well supposing I’m meant to be in two places at once, I could just teleport myself but conveniently forget to “cut” before I “paste” and then there would be two of me.
STU. Yah, but the real you wouldn’t even essentially be at both meetings, so you’d have no memory whatsoever of one of the events. And then what would you do with the copy afterwards? You can’t just Edit/Undo after you control/c control/v. That would be a bit inconvenient to explain away.
TOM. Hmmm yeah I guess you’re right. Maybe he would become unstable and break down of his own volition after filling me in on the details, or maybe his organs could be harvested for science.
STU. No, no, that’s a sentient life form! You’d have protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Clones.
TOM. Damn those ultraliberal hippies at PECA.
STU. You only want two of you so you can suck twice as much cock as you normally do anyway. To be honest, you’d be better off Reverse Temporal Engineering it.
TOM. What, you mean sucking off one cock, and then going back in time afterwards to suck off another one so that I didn’t have to miss out on any of the juicy cock-sucking opportunities presented to me?
STU. Sure. I actually just meant Reverse Temporal Engineering it so you could be at both meetings at the same time and remember, but your admission of love for the cock was equally satisfying.
TOM. More satisfying, surely?
STU. Indeed.
TOM. How much more satisfying?
STU. Seven. Seven times more satisfying.
TOM. And yet, still not as satisfying as your mums vagiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
STU. Damn! Struck by my own sword. You’d also age faster in subjective time while sucking on all those cocks, or being at each of those meetings.
TOM. That’s right actually - but that’s not the only risk. At the second event you could refer to something that happened at the first event which hadn't happened yet subjective to everyone else and confuse people, then – bam! – quantum time paradox, just like that! And the universe collapses in on itself.
STU. That I could deal with, it's all the bullshit you’re talking that troubles me-
TOM. Damn! You really know you lack charisma when a microcosmic temporal contradiction bringing forth the immanent annihilation of the universe along the axes of both time and space is preferable to what is presently occurring in subjective...
STU. Yeah, all that crap would be a relief!
TOM. Ok... I have an idea... Ask behind the bar if your friend left his keys for you.
STU. What are you talking about?
TOM. Look I'm 100% sure this Might work.
STU. Oh you're certain it'll work maybe?'
TOM. Approximately.
STU. On average.
TOM. As a distinct non-zero possibility. In a multiverse all distinct non-zero possibilities become actualities.
STU. In an infinite universe everything that can exist must exist.
TOM. Look, that’s pub talk. Save it for the pub.
STU. But, you're not coming out to the pub because you were at your parents’ house ramming your gay brother-in-law and you left your wallet in your flat.
TOM. Ask behind the bar if my keys are there.
STU. And how exactly do you expect this to work?'
TOM. Well let's see, I saw it in a movie once.
STU. Saw what in a movie?
TOM. This. Teleport isn't invented yet.
STU. Yes, I said that. Twice in fact.
TOM. But, if time travel is invented within my lifetime I can plausibly reverse-temporal engineer things so my keys are left behind the bar for you.
STU. O…kayay... But first - Is the movie you saw this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
TOM. Fuck the shut up!
STU. Don't you mean...
TOM [interrupting]. Whatever!
STU. But was it though?'
TOM. Obviously. But that's besides the point.
STU. I think that is the point exactly. I think the point is you're taking your queues from a sci-fi-teenage-comedy genre-confused mash up.
TOM. Like Biodome.
STU. What the fuck is Biodome?
TOM. Watch it and see.
STU. You're a dick.
TOM. Yeah, but if you never watch it you’ll never know.
STU. If a man is alone at his parents’ house and no one has a clue what the fuck he’s talking about, will he shut the fuck up?
TOM. Get my keys.
Stu moves to the side to address the barman.
STU [to the wings]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a set of keys from the wings.
STU. ‘kin ‘ell! He had your keys!
TOM. See, told you.
STU. ‘the fuck dude?
TOM. ‘the fuck indeed. See, I’m a possibilitarian.
STU. You're a retard. Why didn't you just reverse temporal engineer the keys into your parent’s house?
TOM. Never thought of that.
STU. That’s because you're a retard.
TOM. Not too retarded to do this.
The keys disappear from Stu’s hand or person.
STU. 'kin ell where did they go?
TOM [producing the keys from his pocket and jangling them]. Right here.
STU. Jesus Christ that's awesome!
TOM. Ask the barman for the drink I got you.
STU [addressing the barman again]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a pint from the side of the stage.
STU. ‘The fuck dude!
TOM. Yeah you're totally getting in the next round.
STU. Except not I'm not because you're wallets still in your flat, and you're at your parent’s house, and I don't have your keys anymore to go and get it for you.
TOM. Dammit! I am a retard.
STU. I said it first.
TOM. Well, [Tom produces the wallet from his pocket] here it is now I suppose.
STU. You know, this is a very convoluted way to meet up under the circumstances.
TOM. Yeah you're right... We should sort that out.
Tom hangs up the phone and walks across to the other side of the stage to join Stu.
TOM. Hey man.
STU. Hey, Pint?
TOM. Fuck yeah.
They walk off towards the bar like best of friends.
END.
TOM [speaking into his mobile]. Alright man? ... Yeah I'm at my parent’s house... Where are you?... Alright cool that's near mine.
Stu enters from the other side of the stage, speaking into his phone, they are in different locations.
STU [speaking into his mobile]. Are you coming out tonight?
TOM. I would but I left my wallet in my flat so I'm waiting on my dad coming home and giving me a lift, but he's on night shift.
STU. Damn that sucks.
TOM. Yeah I know. It’s shit.
STU. It’s shitter than shit. It’s like - a turd sandwich with shit as the bread.
TOM. You’re a classy guy. Can you not just conjure up my wallet since you're near mine and I'll walk into town and meet you there?
STU. Well uhm... Maybe I could do that, if I dunno, I had your freaking keys.
TOM. Teleport?
STU. Not invented yet. Why are you at your parent’s house anyway gaylord?
TOM. Well my new brother in law was visiting.
STU. Haaaaa he's bangin' your sister.
TOM. Ummm… yeah. And?
STU. Well, it’s more than you're getting.
TOM. It is more than I'm getting from my sister... not quite as much as I'm getting from your mum.
STU. Touché good sir, I consider myself bested. I assume by your response you like him then?
TOM. Like him how? I'm afraid anything I say will just be construed as an excuse to make a gay joke.
STU. Probably. Well, just like, since you’re, you know, cool with him… how should I put this sensitively?… Ramming? Hm, no. How about ploughing? No, let’s go with Ramming, I like Ramming - original and best. Since you’re cool with him Ramming your sister every night - takin’ that cute little ass to town - I’m supposing you get on with him.
TOM. Such a way with words! I think you managed to make your point really clear there. What a talent. Yeah I get on with him great! Better than with my sister actually hahaha.
STU. Why’s that?
TOM. Well he smokes for one thing, and she doesn't, so we can go out for a fag.
STU. Ah true, that does make him the better human being.
TOM. Indeed.
STU. So when will I catch you? The weekend?
TOM. Balls to that, I’m coming out.
STU. …Of the closet, you surely mean. By the time you walk to yours and then back into town…
TOM. Teleport?
Stu checks his watch.
STU. Noooope… still not invented yet, try again in another half an hour.
TOM. Do you think teleportation will run on the principle of moving particles through a quantum wormhole to another location and reassembling them? or more like a copy and paste mechanism, where the model is molecularly replicated, but the copy is dispatched during the integral process?
STU. Don’t care. Why?
TOM. Well supposing I’m meant to be in two places at once, I could just teleport myself but conveniently forget to “cut” before I “paste” and then there would be two of me.
STU. Yah, but the real you wouldn’t even essentially be at both meetings, so you’d have no memory whatsoever of one of the events. And then what would you do with the copy afterwards? You can’t just Edit/Undo after you control/c control/v. That would be a bit inconvenient to explain away.
TOM. Hmmm yeah I guess you’re right. Maybe he would become unstable and break down of his own volition after filling me in on the details, or maybe his organs could be harvested for science.
STU. No, no, that’s a sentient life form! You’d have protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Clones.
TOM. Damn those ultraliberal hippies at PECA.
STU. You only want two of you so you can suck twice as much cock as you normally do anyway. To be honest, you’d be better off Reverse Temporal Engineering it.
TOM. What, you mean sucking off one cock, and then going back in time afterwards to suck off another one so that I didn’t have to miss out on any of the juicy cock-sucking opportunities presented to me?
STU. Sure. I actually just meant Reverse Temporal Engineering it so you could be at both meetings at the same time and remember, but your admission of love for the cock was equally satisfying.
TOM. More satisfying, surely?
STU. Indeed.
TOM. How much more satisfying?
STU. Seven. Seven times more satisfying.
TOM. And yet, still not as satisfying as your mums vagiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
STU. Damn! Struck by my own sword. You’d also age faster in subjective time while sucking on all those cocks, or being at each of those meetings.
TOM. That’s right actually - but that’s not the only risk. At the second event you could refer to something that happened at the first event which hadn't happened yet subjective to everyone else and confuse people, then – bam! – quantum time paradox, just like that! And the universe collapses in on itself.
STU. That I could deal with, it's all the bullshit you’re talking that troubles me-
TOM. Damn! You really know you lack charisma when a microcosmic temporal contradiction bringing forth the immanent annihilation of the universe along the axes of both time and space is preferable to what is presently occurring in subjective...
STU. Yeah, all that crap would be a relief!
TOM. Ok... I have an idea... Ask behind the bar if your friend left his keys for you.
STU. What are you talking about?
TOM. Look I'm 100% sure this Might work.
STU. Oh you're certain it'll work maybe?'
TOM. Approximately.
STU. On average.
TOM. As a distinct non-zero possibility. In a multiverse all distinct non-zero possibilities become actualities.
STU. In an infinite universe everything that can exist must exist.
TOM. Look, that’s pub talk. Save it for the pub.
STU. But, you're not coming out to the pub because you were at your parents’ house ramming your gay brother-in-law and you left your wallet in your flat.
TOM. Ask behind the bar if my keys are there.
STU. And how exactly do you expect this to work?'
TOM. Well let's see, I saw it in a movie once.
STU. Saw what in a movie?
TOM. This. Teleport isn't invented yet.
STU. Yes, I said that. Twice in fact.
TOM. But, if time travel is invented within my lifetime I can plausibly reverse-temporal engineer things so my keys are left behind the bar for you.
STU. O…kayay... But first - Is the movie you saw this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
TOM. Fuck the shut up!
STU. Don't you mean...
TOM [interrupting]. Whatever!
STU. But was it though?'
TOM. Obviously. But that's besides the point.
STU. I think that is the point exactly. I think the point is you're taking your queues from a sci-fi-teenage-comedy genre-confused mash up.
TOM. Like Biodome.
STU. What the fuck is Biodome?
TOM. Watch it and see.
STU. You're a dick.
TOM. Yeah, but if you never watch it you’ll never know.
STU. If a man is alone at his parents’ house and no one has a clue what the fuck he’s talking about, will he shut the fuck up?
TOM. Get my keys.
Stu moves to the side to address the barman.
STU [to the wings]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a set of keys from the wings.
STU. ‘kin ‘ell! He had your keys!
TOM. See, told you.
STU. ‘the fuck dude?
TOM. ‘the fuck indeed. See, I’m a possibilitarian.
STU. You're a retard. Why didn't you just reverse temporal engineer the keys into your parent’s house?
TOM. Never thought of that.
STU. That’s because you're a retard.
TOM. Not too retarded to do this.
The keys disappear from Stu’s hand or person.
STU. 'kin ell where did they go?
TOM [producing the keys from his pocket and jangling them]. Right here.
STU. Jesus Christ that's awesome!
TOM. Ask the barman for the drink I got you.
STU [addressing the barman again]. Here! Mate!...
Stu produces a pint from the side of the stage.
STU. ‘The fuck dude!
TOM. Yeah you're totally getting in the next round.
STU. Except not I'm not because you're wallets still in your flat, and you're at your parent’s house, and I don't have your keys anymore to go and get it for you.
TOM. Dammit! I am a retard.
STU. I said it first.
TOM. Well, [Tom produces the wallet from his pocket] here it is now I suppose.
STU. You know, this is a very convoluted way to meet up under the circumstances.
TOM. Yeah you're right... We should sort that out.
Tom hangs up the phone and walks across to the other side of the stage to join Stu.
TOM. Hey man.
STU. Hey, Pint?
TOM. Fuck yeah.
They walk off towards the bar like best of friends.
END.
Monday, 5 November 2012
Do I know you?
-->
by Antony
Sammeroff
A scratch night play in one act for one actor and one actress.
A scratch night play in one act for one actor and one actress.
Do I know
you?
April and Anthony enter from opposite sides
of the stage as they draw close they catch eyes and think they know each other
immediately, but then a moment of doubt creeps in.
ANTONY [with enthusiasm]. Hey!
APRIL [responding in kind]. Hey!
There is a moment of credulity
ANTONY [communicating with his hands]. I thought we…?
APRIL. I thought we…
ANTONY. But we don’t.
APRIL. No, we don’t…
ANTONY. Well I’m Antony. [He presents his hand]
APRIL. I’m April…
They shake.
ANTONY. So next time we will.
He smiles.
APRIL. Next time we will.
They part.
ANTONY [with enthusiasm]. Hey!
APRIL [responding in kind]. Hey!
There is a moment of credulity
ANTONY [communicating with his hands]. I thought we…?
APRIL. I thought we…
ANTONY. But we don’t.
APRIL. No, we don’t…
ANTONY. Well I’m Antony. [He presents his hand]
APRIL. I’m April…
They shake.
ANTONY. So next time we will.
He smiles.
APRIL. Next time we will.
They part.
Monday, 8 October 2012
not close enough for jazz
"Well ye'v really gone and done it this time son.
This time ye'v really gone an let me down.
Ye couldae ran off tae the circus...
...I wouldnae huv minded that much
Ye couldae married a catholic...
...I'd live
Christ! If only ye'd been GAY!
Bit naw,
You had tae join a jazz group...
Somehow ah alwayz knew ye'd turn out tae be a jazzer,
Ah alwayz knew ye'd disappoint me!
Your Maw is probably turning in her grave...
...she loved classical music.
None ay they blue notes.
Aeolian modes...
Phrygian Scales!
G major 7ths with a flattened 9th and an Augmented 5th!!!
Makes me sick tae ma stomach!
-> Am sorry da!
Naw! Jist... go...
Haven't ye done enough? With yer Miles Davis.
Oscar Peterson.
Ella Fitzgerald, Billy Holiday, Chett Baker... George Gershwin!!!
He wis a jew n' aw.
-> Ye seem tae know a lot about jazz da'
Too much son! Too much!
I tried tae warn ye off!
I flirted ma'sel' wae jazz when I wis your age.
Ah didnae want ye tae make the same mistakes that ah made!
-> Bit da! Ah jist like jammin!
Enough!!!! I lost ma'sel' tae jazz wan too many times. Playin' in the flat key of the leading tone while the rest of the band was still in the tonic...
...that's dorian mode.
I'm no losin' ma first born son tae it as well.
Naw.
I huvnae goat a son.
Get oot...
...Come back when you're intae new age.
This time ye'v really gone an let me down.
Ye couldae ran off tae the circus...
...I wouldnae huv minded that much
Ye couldae married a catholic...
...I'd live
Christ! If only ye'd been GAY!
Bit naw,
You had tae join a jazz group...
Somehow ah alwayz knew ye'd turn out tae be a jazzer,
Ah alwayz knew ye'd disappoint me!
Your Maw is probably turning in her grave...
...she loved classical music.
None ay they blue notes.
Aeolian modes...
Phrygian Scales!
G major 7ths with a flattened 9th and an Augmented 5th!!!
Makes me sick tae ma stomach!
-> Am sorry da!
Naw! Jist... go...
Haven't ye done enough? With yer Miles Davis.
Oscar Peterson.
Ella Fitzgerald, Billy Holiday, Chett Baker... George Gershwin!!!
He wis a jew n' aw.
-> Ye seem tae know a lot about jazz da'
Too much son! Too much!
I tried tae warn ye off!
I flirted ma'sel' wae jazz when I wis your age.
Ah didnae want ye tae make the same mistakes that ah made!
-> Bit da! Ah jist like jammin!
Enough!!!! I lost ma'sel' tae jazz wan too many times. Playin' in the flat key of the leading tone while the rest of the band was still in the tonic...
...that's dorian mode.
I'm no losin' ma first born son tae it as well.
Naw.
I huvnae goat a son.
Get oot...
...Come back when you're intae new age.
Saturday, 15 September 2012
My Facebook Song
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
Please don't take this comment personally
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
May I suggest we just be friends
I've seen your profile
I've even liked your page
You've switched to timeline
We're not at the same stage because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
I can't be LinkedIn definitely
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
I'm anti-social media
I've checked your news feed
It says you want to chat
Please get the message
I won't install that app because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
No I won't approve you as family
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
May I suggest we just be friends
I'm tagged in pictures
I'm in all of your groups
Your application requests a second look because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
Won't you take my update seriously
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
I'm logging off for the last time
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
Please don't take this comment personally
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
May I suggest we just be friends
I've seen your profile
I've even liked your page
You've switched to timeline
We're not at the same stage because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
I can't be LinkedIn definitely
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
I'm anti-social media
I've checked your news feed
It says you want to chat
Please get the message
I won't install that app because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
No I won't approve you as family
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
May I suggest we just be friends
I'm tagged in pictures
I'm in all of your groups
Your application requests a second look because I
Don't want to engaged to you on Facebook
Don't ask me why
It's complicated
And just because I like your status
That doesn't mean that we are
In a relationship
Why wont you just quit poking me
Won't you take my update seriously
Don't want to get engaged to you in Facebook
I'm logging off for the last time
Sunday, 12 August 2012
What Do You Do With Your Doubts? (WIP)
Well I find my mind is blinded by such simple situations,
and my constant cogitations lead me lost into frustration,
Though I can't make head or tail of it, nor hammer from the nail of it,
It seems I'm bound to fail of it: Uncertainty prevails.I have heard each word you've said and I can sense your agitation
That your constant confoundation gives you cause for aggravation,
Perhaps I've a solution that may bring you restitution,
That may make a resolution of your mental destitution,
It seems to me, you verily,
Could live your life most happily,
If only you'd embrace the key to overcome uncertainty...
Well?
What do you do with your doubts?
Throw them out! Throw them out!
Tell me what do you do with your doubts?
Throw them out! Throw them out!
When you're not quite sure how to feel,
And you can't quite tell night from day,
The grass could be greener,
The grass could be greener,
Your conscience could be cleaner,
And you still don't kow what to say.....
And you still don't kow what to say.....
Well!
What do you do with your doubts?
Throw them out! Throw them out!
Tell me what do you do with your doubts?
Throw them out! Throw them out!
Though I note your proposition to improve my disposition,
Yet I fear that my condition begs a more complex prescription,More to come....
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Two Quarks Interact
A quark Interacts with her friend in a cafe, 'I'm so Down! I'm just too Weak to resist his Charm, he makes me Spin, I feel so Strange'
'Don't worry' her friend says, 'I know you've hit rock Bottom, but keep Strong, I'm sure you'll end Up on Top - take Charge - It's meant to be!'
'How do you know?'
'elementary, Particle, you're Composites.'
dedicated to Finn Townsley
21-09-12 update
A quark Interacts with her friend in a cafe, 'I'm so Down! I'm just too Weak to resist his Charm, he makes me Spin and I feel so Strange! How did I ever get so Entangled?'
'Don't worry' her friend says, 'I know you've hit rock Bottom, but keep Strong, I'm sure you'll end Up on Top - take Charge - It's meant to be!'
'How do you know?'
'Elementary, Particle, you're Composites.'
'Don't worry' her friend says, 'I know you've hit rock Bottom, but keep Strong, I'm sure you'll end Up on Top - take Charge - It's meant to be!'
'How do you know?'
'elementary, Particle, you're Composites.'
dedicated to Finn Townsley
21-09-12 update
A quark Interacts with her friend in a cafe, 'I'm so Down! I'm just too Weak to resist his Charm, he makes me Spin and I feel so Strange! How did I ever get so Entangled?'
'Don't worry' her friend says, 'I know you've hit rock Bottom, but keep Strong, I'm sure you'll end Up on Top - take Charge - It's meant to be!'
'How do you know?'
'Elementary, Particle, you're Composites.'
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Philosophy, then let do lunch.
Here are some aesthetically pleasing one liners I coined last night/this morning.
Perhaps for the fact that apologies are bandied about so needlessly the word sorry would still have some value in it, but as it stands too much counterfeit currency has flooded the redemption market.
I hate getting junk mail. Trees die for this crap.
There are many paths to freedom, as many as there are feet to walk them, but there is only one road away from
Slavery and that is to turn your back on what enslaves you and start walking.
do not speak of your own morality in comparison to that of others, anything said can only encourage you to bring down the average.
When mind comes aware of its habit of self-erosion, thoughts are construed as agent aggressors upon the canvas of the soul.
Perhaps for the fact that apologies are bandied about so needlessly the word sorry would still have some value in it, but as it stands too much counterfeit currency has flooded the redemption market.
I hate getting junk mail. Trees die for this crap.
There are many paths to freedom, as many as there are feet to walk them, but there is only one road away from
Slavery and that is to turn your back on what enslaves you and start walking.
do not speak of your own morality in comparison to that of others, anything said can only encourage you to bring down the average.
When mind comes aware of its habit of self-erosion, thoughts are construed as agent aggressors upon the canvas of the soul.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
the Mona Lisa
I talk to the Mona Lisa sometimes.
It's not that I'm mad or crazy or insane or anything like that, it's just...
...I get lonely walking through these corridors sometimes.
"We'll always have Paris" the movie says.
There's a whole world out there! Romanticised.
And here I am on my own, again. Night after night. Rinse, repeat, "Play it Again Sam."
But the Mona Lisa's always there. Smiling.
Well, almost smiling.
Why don't I speak to any other pictures? you might ask.
Well, to be honest, I just can't imagine any of the others speaking back!
What would a Sézanne even say? "I've got a headache?"
You can't talk to a Picasso, because his mouth's in the wrong place.
And I wouldn't even try my luck with the cubists or any of that other late-modern junk.
No, No, the Mona Lisa is the only girl for me.
"Vincent," she calls softly "Vincent..."
"...Come and talk to me."
It's not that I'm mad or crazy or insane or anything like that, it's just...
...I get lonely walking through these corridors sometimes.
"We'll always have Paris" the movie says.
There's a whole world out there! Romanticised.
And here I am on my own, again. Night after night. Rinse, repeat, "Play it Again Sam."
But the Mona Lisa's always there. Smiling.
Well, almost smiling.
Why don't I speak to any other pictures? you might ask.
Well, to be honest, I just can't imagine any of the others speaking back!
What would a Sézanne even say? "I've got a headache?"
You can't talk to a Picasso, because his mouth's in the wrong place.
And I wouldn't even try my luck with the cubists or any of that other late-modern junk.
No, No, the Mona Lisa is the only girl for me.
"Vincent," she calls softly "Vincent..."
"...Come and talk to me."
Friday, 20 January 2012
Act 1 of Counting Down The Days, by Antony Sammeroff and Finn Townsley (with subtitles for humour)
Aritist: (Excited) Oh so you’ve read Adorno’s On the Fetish-Character in Music and the Regression of Listening.
[Oh, fantatic! You're someone as smart as I am!]
Lush: Yes, indeed, I found it most enlightening, but I have to say Tea-adores reliance on outmoded views expressed in the last instalment of Marxes Das Capital somewhat retrograde. (Cooughs) But speaking of cultural theory, did you not find Sartre’s Nausea expressed a most simplistic view of human angst.
[Yes, slightly smarter, but lets talk about something I know more about than you. I'm feeling angsty but am so emotionally stunted I can only refer to it obliquely.]
Arist: I no longer remember anything of, nor can I comment on Angst. It seems so far away, distant, ever since I met the woman.
[Sorry dude, can't feel ya, I'm getting laid!]
Lush: A Woman? Singular? Surely the plural would be far more worthy. Why, Would Byron set his heart on one? Was Alexander to be tamed? Would Huxley settle for that ragtag Laura alone? But of course not! A man of letters exists to be loved: if by one, well it is, if by more than one, why even more so. For imagine if a man should conclude to write only, arbitrarily, with the letter D. Such a stunt upon his vocabulary would that bring. And likewise, why should the language of love be so limited, if only for a woman.
[What? Just by that one chick? 99 Problems and a Bitch ain't one! Variety is the spice of life! It's good that one chick is into you, but so much better if more people want to shag you. Why would you give it all up for one woman?]
Artist: But were she a letter she would express all the syllables and more so besides. Had you had seen her eyes, like the sun and moon burning bright within that face of which the cosmos is merely an effigy, then you would surely only begin to fathom the depths of affection that well within my breast. Then you would know, that there could be no other sun and moon that could possibly illuminate, nor capture, the heart of the man that I may hope to one day call the earth that these heavenly bodies humble in their orbit.
[She's the best thing ever! If you saw her face the way I did you'd be like "I wanna tap dat" but you wouldn't even know how much I wanna get with that shit! I'm bangin' her and it's so awesome! Do you know how awesome it is? No, cos you're not bangin' her, obviously, but it's so awesome that I don't wanna bang anyone else, ever! And I just feel so lucky that she wants to bang me too!]
Lush: I have gazed upon those celestial bodies that you declare all too fare, as those common features of her face, and I feel you are too much romanced my friend and all too soon, by those baubles that sparkle, not with the light of the sun but only in the sunlight. I fear you will taste these forbidden fruits, much to your folly, and from the gates of Eden I will have to bid you a sad farewell.
[Yeah she's got an alright face, but it ain't nothin' to write home about. One the spark dies down you'll be all like Dang! Wish I'd put bros before hoes!]
Artist: If Eden is the price to pay for bliss, then for what? When Eden holds no longer bliss, for that which we dare call Eden pales in comparison to those temptations held without, then of what is this fair paradise Eden reduced to but mere shadows upon the walls opposing the platonic form of Love. But we are excommunicated from Eden only to return to it, perhaps not in body corporeal, but in our ethereal heart of hearts, where we find that very true bliss of union with the god incarnate in man, is in the womb of that fair rose we call the woman.
[Yeah the stuff we done like drink, philosophise, go out sarging (and bum) was pretty awesome at the time, but bangin this chick is so far beyond all that shit. Infact bangin this chick is the new drinking, philosophising, sarging (and bumming.)]
Lush: Why deny the possibilities of the infinite joys that could exist outwith, for those finite joys that must exist only it the confines of that paltry warmth that is her one. As a great man once said, “Marriage is the tomb of love.” Yes, indeed sex is a battle and love is a war, but would Sun Tzu commit himself to strike on only one front in neglect of all the other affairs of state? “The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike,” and you, my friend, will forget her.
[But there's so much more than bangin this chick to experience. You shouldn't bang her to the exclusion of everything else because when it end you'll feel totally empty.]
Artist: “This soul should fly from me, and I be chang'd
Into some brutish beast! All beasts are happy,”
Into some brutish beast! All beasts are happy,”
[Let me feel empty, she be drainin' me dry bro!]
Lush: “For, when they die,
Their souls are soon dissolv'd in elements;”
Their souls are soon dissolv'd in elements;”
[Yeah, and when you're dry you'll be nothing.]
Enter Victoria.
Victoria: Fare artist do you await my call? Charming lush are you yet here past the sunset? With tongue so eloquent yet step’d in vicious poison. Away! Lest thy carriage reveal thy true nature, for it is but a pumpkin dressed in grandeur awaiting the stroke of dawn.
[Hey babe, you ready to go? Oh god not you! The sarcy cunt, why don't you fuck off on home.]
Lush: Save they words sweet scented succubus. Do you not see how you have reduced this once great man, in swaddling bands, to worship in the shadow of thy visage. Will you leave him weeping at the gates of hades as you dance back into Pluto’s arms?
[Yeah you're hot but you're still a bitch. You've got him pussywhipped alright. Go to back to Hell and fuck Satan.]
Victoria: Oh how your words wound me like the sharpest bolts of slings and crossbows. Should you feel that the appeal of thy wits are of more allure than eves of mine tender bosom, then let the kind artist decide how better he should spend out those last dwindling hours of twilight.
[Harsh! Well if you think he'd rather hang around gabbin' to you then get down with this, why not ask him what he thinks?]
Artist: Let me not decide!
[Duuuuude, unfair!]
Lush: ….Dare thee use thy womanhood to seduce? For what do you think you are but Helen come again?! Do not tempt Agamemnon to send his ships for I will besiege the gates of Troy if it means to lose Achillies a thousand times over in the pursuit. Yet till the morrow, have your wicked way, for Odin held trust enough in Loki’s better nature to let him roam free and to fall (to artist, without pause) by his own errors.
[Got him pussy-whipped, huh? You think you're all that and then some? I will go to town on you bitch! But fair enough, if he wants his hole I'm willing to stand back and let it happen.]
Victoria: (mockingly) Then let our paths not cross once more till Ragnarok ensue. Come now gentle artist, turn thy sweet fingers again through these fragile threads and sing of me once more my praises.
[See you in Hell! Come on babe, tell me how much you love me.]
Artist: Yes, a thousand times! A thousand times and yet a thousand more should it please the swooning heart which beats within thy tender breast.
[Sure, I'll do anything for you.]
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Friday, 29 July 2011
Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 9) Featuring Osho and Anthony deMello
oh yes, what's that old turn of phrase? destroy your heroes?
Performed by Illich, recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite
Performed by Illich, recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite
Friday, 22 July 2011
Pilot 3 (a Flatrate production)
I had the pleasure of appearing as Ben E. Sharpe (one of our reoccuring characters on the Illich Sketch Show) at Pilot, "An Open-Mic Night. But loads of them. All at once. All mixed up into a lovely Podcast and available to download from the internet." It was arranged by Flatrate and hosted at the Centre for Contemporary Arts, Sauchihall Street, Glasgow.
It was really fun basically I was to make improvised business consultations in character with anyone who fancied ceasing the opporuntiy (my friends Finn, Suzy and Randolph who came along had a shot), there were some really funny unexpected moments. Links to the podcast will go up when the news comes through, and some of the extra material will be used on the Illich youtube channel which is really cool.
There were some really great comic acts there including Chloe Philip (stories of funny experiences in the states, shoplifting and institutionalised racism) Martin Bearne (an extended list of punchlines) Geoff Gawler (whom I shared an enjoyable a highly amusing improvised interview with where he posed some left of field questions as an ABC Austrailia reporter) Eleanor Morton (ukulele-driven musical comedy.)
The next Pilot will be held on the 14th of August at as part of the Edinburgh Fringe.
Colin Chaloner of Flatrate also proposed that Illich is reprisented at this event which is really flattering, so we will definately be looking into preparing something for it.
Now, back to Blade Runner.
It was really fun basically I was to make improvised business consultations in character with anyone who fancied ceasing the opporuntiy (my friends Finn, Suzy and Randolph who came along had a shot), there were some really funny unexpected moments. Links to the podcast will go up when the news comes through, and some of the extra material will be used on the Illich youtube channel which is really cool.
There were some really great comic acts there including Chloe Philip (stories of funny experiences in the states, shoplifting and institutionalised racism) Martin Bearne (an extended list of punchlines) Geoff Gawler (whom I shared an enjoyable a highly amusing improvised interview with where he posed some left of field questions as an ABC Austrailia reporter) Eleanor Morton (ukulele-driven musical comedy.)
The next Pilot will be held on the 14th of August at as part of the Edinburgh Fringe.
Colin Chaloner of Flatrate also proposed that Illich is reprisented at this event which is really flattering, so we will definately be looking into preparing something for it.
Now, back to Blade Runner.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Monday, 6 June 2011
The Pioneer
comedy song from 06/06 .... 5 bloody years ago!!!
The Pioneer (July 2006)
I was working on the time machine in 1984
I set the relays up and jacked the flux capacitor
Then all of a sudden they had broken down my door
My team was stunned and one by one they fell down to the floor
Next thing I remember I woke up upon my back
I didn't know how long ago since everything went black
The smashed my lab and took my plans and my time machine was gone
I've never seen my team again or got the damn thing done, you see...
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
then in '89 I built a metal man of steel,
Automatonic Automaton Automatically real!
My greatest work complete / compete my rivalry could not
With the copyrighted trade-mark reservation that I bought
I tried to guard my patents / They were blatantly revoked
Robbed of my intellectual property and taken for a joke
Now he's working for the CIA the Rothschilds and the pope!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
In 1999 I built a fusion power plant
Such a grand design / to find wrong those who said "You Can't!"
We would have cleaned up nuclear energy - our fission days were done,
But the Saudis and the Bushes didn't find the prospect fun...
They appropriated all my workings on atomic combination,
And they tried to hush me up to hide my research from the nation,
Now they track me with a microchip to make sure I don't tell,
And they've designed a stinking nuclear-fusion powered oil well!
I tell ya...
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
The Pioneer (July 2006)
I was working on the time machine in 1984
I set the relays up and jacked the flux capacitor
Then all of a sudden they had broken down my door
My team was stunned and one by one they fell down to the floor
Next thing I remember I woke up upon my back
I didn't know how long ago since everything went black
The smashed my lab and took my plans and my time machine was gone
I've never seen my team again or got the damn thing done, you see...
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
then in '89 I built a metal man of steel,
Automatonic Automaton Automatically real!
My greatest work complete / compete my rivalry could not
With the copyrighted trade-mark reservation that I bought
I tried to guard my patents / They were blatantly revoked
Robbed of my intellectual property and taken for a joke
Now he's working for the CIA the Rothschilds and the pope!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
In 1999 I built a fusion power plant
Such a grand design / to find wrong those who said "You Can't!"
We would have cleaned up nuclear energy - our fission days were done,
But the Saudis and the Bushes didn't find the prospect fun...
They appropriated all my workings on atomic combination,
And they tried to hush me up to hide my research from the nation,
Now they track me with a microchip to make sure I don't tell,
And they've designed a stinking nuclear-fusion powered oil well!
I tell ya...
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
I was a pioneer - They stole my idea!
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Five)
Hey the new Illich is up and this ones a real favourite of ours, hope you like it. Created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)
Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.
Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Four)
I'm just back from the Isle of Wight and Episode 4 of the Illich Sketch Show is now up, created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)
Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.
Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.
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