ILLICH 11

not close enough for jazz

"Well ye'v really gone and done it this time son.

This time ye'v really gone an let me down.

Ye couldae ran off tae the circus...
     ...I wouldnae huv minded that much

Ye couldae married a catholic...
     ...I'd live

Christ! If only ye'd been GAY!

Bit naw,

You had tae join a jazz group...

Somehow ah alwayz knew ye'd turn out tae be a jazzer,
Ah alwayz knew ye'd disappoint me!

Your Maw is probably turning in her grave...

...she loved classical music.

None ay they blue notes.

Aeolian modes...

Phrygian Scales!

G major 7ths with a flattened 9th and an Augmented 5th!!!

Makes me sick tae ma stomach!

-> Am sorry da!

Naw! Jist... go...

Haven't ye done enough? With yer Miles Davis.

Oscar Peterson.

Ella Fitzgerald, Billy Holiday, Chett Baker... George Gershwin!!!

He wis a jew n' aw.

-> Ye seem tae know a lot about jazz da'

 Too much son! Too much!

I tried tae warn ye off!

I flirted ma'sel' wae jazz when I wis your age.

Ah didnae want ye tae make the same mistakes that ah made!

-> Bit da! Ah jist like jammin!

Enough!!!! I lost ma'sel' tae jazz wan too many times. Playin' in the flat key of the leading tone while the rest of the band was still in the tonic...

...that's dorian mode.

I'm no losin' ma first born son tae it as well.

Naw.

I huvnae goat a son.

Get oot...




...Come back when you're intae new age.

What Do You Do With Your Doubts? (WIP)

Well I find my mind is blinded by such simple situations, 

and my constant cogitations lead me lost into frustration, 

Though I can't make head or tail of it, nor hammer from the nail of it, 

It seems I'm bound to fail of it: Uncertainty prevails.
 
I have heard each word you've said and I can sense your agitation
That your constant confoundation gives you cause for aggravation,
Perhaps I've a solution that may bring you restitution,
That may make a resolution of your mental destitution,
 
It seems to me, you verily, 

Could live your life most happily, 

If only you'd embrace the key to overcome uncertainty...

Well?

What do you do with your doubts?

Throw them out! Throw them out!

Tell me what do you do with your doubts?

Throw them out! Throw them out! 

When you're not quite sure how to feel,

And you can't quite tell night from day,
The grass could be greener, 

Your conscience could be cleaner,
And you still don't kow what to say.....

Well!

What do you do with your doubts?

Throw them out! Throw them out!

Tell me what do you do with your doubts?

Throw them out! Throw them out! 

Though I note your proposition to improve my disposition, 

Yet I fear that my condition begs a more complex prescription,


More to come....

"Static Speed Dating" by Antony Sammeroff and Finn Townsley 04/12

Cast:
Narcissist (f)
Shy Guy (m)
Insane Girl (f)
Arrogant one (m)
Humourist (m)
Yogi (f)
Intelligent One (m)

Narcissist enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Narcissist. Hi, I'm a narcissist! I’m into...me, and the things I like, and I really like people who like Me! I really looking for someone who’s interested in talking about me, and likes listening to things I say about life. My perfect partner would look just as attractive as I do but wouldn't have much of a personality so that he could be like, a blank canvas that I would project whatever I want in a man onto. So I'd think that he was exactly the man I wanted despite who he actually was! Ok text back!

Narcissist moves to the back of the stage to watch. Shy Guy enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Shy Guy. I'm the shy guy. I'm really sweet and tender, and not in any way sexual. I'm the kind of guy you tell your friends you want, and you wish you were in love with, but when you meet me you're just never really attracted. I tend to watch from afar without ever making a move. I think that friendship will one day lead to love, but it never really does. I live in my imagination and I'm artistic: a musician , watercolour painter or short-story writer. I hang out in groups of people who speak about lofty matters but I just listen and never really say much. If I do find a girlfriend she'll be a little more sociable than me, and will probably stay with me for years and years and years, but only cos she's afraid of change. Please be that woman.

Shy Guy moves to the back of the stage to watch. Insane Girl enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Insane Girl [Overly Enthusiastically at First]. Hi!!! [suddenly self-conscious, she corrects herself] I'm the girl with self-proclaimed insanity! My normality confuses me so I try to make up for it by regularly doing arbitrary things, which may seem 'random,' as they call it, but are all actually completely premeditated! I consider my clothes to be a feature of my personality, because I don't really have one. My perfect partner would be as bland as I am but be in no way self-aware enough to consciously recognise how banal he is!

Insane Girl moves to the back of the stage to watch. Arrogant One enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Arrogant One. Hi, I'm the arrogant one. I don't care who you are really, you're just an extension of my will upon the world to love me. My standoffishness attracts you to fill the void as you wonder why I’m not showing any signs of interest, but I'll be done with you as soon as I get bored, because I've had you and I need to prove myself! I need to constantly reaffirm that I can have other people, otherwise I won't feel secure in my status. Realistically, lets come together and perpetuate out own cycles of self-loathing. Call back! If you think you can handle me.

Arrogant One goes to the back of the stage and puts his arm around the Narcissist with the implicit assumption of success. She is only too glad for the attention and they pair up, while watching the rest of the speed-dating candidates.  Humourist enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Humourist.  Hi I’m an alcoholic! Just Kidding! I’m the one who uses humour to cover my insecurities - Just kidding! Well no, not really. I tell jokes a lot! I pretend not to care if nobody laughs but actually in dying inside - Just kidding! Well, no not really. Everyone seems to like me, but no one wants to date me. I can't understand why because I’m always the life and soul of the party! I'm just not quite sure if people are laughing with me, or at me - Just kidding! Well no, not really. Hahaha! I want you to love me! I've been obsessively in love with my best friend for years but I promise not to compare you to her too much... If you choose me I promise devotion, love, and altering my personality in any way shape or form that suits you, quite despite my basic human needs. Just kidding! Well no, not really.

Humourist moves towards the back of the stage and, seeing that Narcissist is already spoken for moves towards Insane girl and prods her in the belly playfully, she gapes dramatically and then starts play-fighting with him, slapping his hands, before suddenly wrapping her hands round his neck and trying to lick his ear while he moves tries to move his head back out of her reach. Finally the kiss once on the lips and settle down as a pair, his arms round her waist, to watch the other speed-dating candidates. Yogi enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Yogi [Slowly and drawn out, with a sense of calm]. Namaste. I'm the one who does yoga. I'm looking for a spiritual life-partner who will talk about self-attainment and non-attachment while bolstering my spiritual ego by telling me how honest and full of love and light our relationship is compared to those of the common herd. We’ll sip green tea while he ignores his own emotional environment and dismiss any signs of mine as a mere symptoms of the ego, which can be overcome with sufficient chanting and meditation. The Lotus Flower is ever in the water but not of it. Inlakesh. We are one. 

Yogi finds her way over to Shy Guy, presses her hands together before her and bows then leans over to kiss him on the forehead, he blanches for a second embarrassed, and not knowing quite how to react, but he bows back self-consciously. She takes his hands before her and holds them up, then slides them round her waist onto the small of her back, and the two watch the final performance as a pair.

Intelligent One. I’m the intelligent one who’s completely socially inept. Sometimes I come across as a bit interesting at first, but I’ll soon put you off by talking down to you and belittling your opinions. I can’t understand why being serious all the time doesn’t create attraction and I only talking about worldly matters and social science to the exclusion of all personal thoughts and feelings. I look down on most people for being too frivolous anyway and any jokes I might make require extremely specialised knowledge to understand so I’m looking for someone bookish whose as boring and serious as I am. If you’re interested in meeting up to exchange opinions, or better still listening to my ideas, especially on how the world should be run, please email me at this address.

Intelligent One turns round to inspect the talent and realises everyone has already paired off.

Intelligent One. Balls.

Lights go off, actors organise themselves in a row.

Lights come back up and actors take their bows.

Act 1 of Counting Down The Days, by Antony Sammeroff and Finn Townsley (with subtitles for humour)

Aritist: (Excited) Oh so you’ve read Adorno’s On the Fetish-Character in Music and the Regression of Listening.

[Oh, fantatic! You're someone as smart as I am!]

Lush: Yes, indeed, I found it most enlightening, but I have to say Tea-adores reliance on outmoded views expressed in the last instalment of Marxes Das Capital somewhat retrograde. (Cooughs) But speaking of cultural theory, did you not find Sartre’s Nausea expressed a most simplistic view of human angst.

[Yes, slightly smarter, but lets talk about something I know more about than you. I'm feeling angsty but am so emotionally stunted I can only refer to it obliquely.]

Arist: I no longer remember anything of, nor can I comment on Angst. It seems so far away, distant, ever since I met the woman. 

[Sorry dude, can't feel ya, I'm getting laid!]

Lush: A Woman? Singular? Surely the plural would be far more worthy. Why, Would Byron set his heart on one? Was Alexander to be tamed? Would Huxley settle for that ragtag Laura alone? But of course not! A man of letters exists to be loved: if by one, well it is, if by more than one, why even more so. For imagine if a man should conclude to write only, arbitrarily, with the letter D. Such a stunt upon his vocabulary would that bring. And likewise, why should the language of love be so limited, if only for a woman.

[What? Just by that one chick? 99 Problems and a Bitch ain't one! Variety is the spice of life! It's good that one chick is into you, but so much better if more people want to shag you. Why would you give it all up for one woman?]

Artist: But were she a letter she would express all the syllables and more so besides. Had you had seen her eyes, like the sun and moon burning bright within that face of which the cosmos is merely an effigy, then you would surely only begin to fathom the depths of affection that well within my breast. Then you would know, that there could be no other sun and moon that could possibly illuminate, nor capture, the heart of the man that I may hope to one day call the earth that these heavenly bodies humble in their orbit.

[She's the best thing ever! If you saw her face the way I did you'd be like "I wanna tap dat" but you wouldn't even know how much I wanna get with that shit! I'm bangin' her and it's so awesome! Do you know how awesome it is? No, cos you're not bangin' her, obviously, but it's so awesome that I don't wanna bang anyone else, ever! And I just feel so lucky that she wants to bang me too!]

Lush: I have gazed upon those celestial bodies that you declare all too fare, as those common features of her face, and I feel you are too much romanced my friend and all too soon, by those baubles that sparkle, not with the light of the sun but only in the sunlight. I fear you will taste these forbidden fruits, much to your folly, and from the gates of Eden I will have to bid you a sad farewell. 

[Yeah she's got an alright face, but it ain't nothin' to write home about. One the spark dies down you'll be all like Dang! Wish I'd put bros before hoes!]

Artist: If Eden is the price to pay for bliss, then for what? When Eden holds no longer bliss, for that which we dare call Eden pales in comparison to those temptations held without, then of what is this fair paradise Eden reduced to but mere shadows upon the walls opposing the platonic form of Love. But we are excommunicated from Eden only to return to it, perhaps not in body corporeal, but in our ethereal heart of hearts, where we find that very true bliss of union with the god incarnate in man, is in the womb of that fair rose we call the woman. 

[Yeah the stuff we done like drink, philosophise, go out sarging (and bum) was pretty awesome at the time, but bangin this chick is so far beyond all that shit. Infact bangin this chick is the new drinking, philosophising, sarging (and bumming.)]

Lush: Why deny the possibilities of the infinite joys that could exist outwith, for those finite joys that must exist only it the confines of that paltry warmth that is her one. As a great man once said, “Marriage is the tomb of love.” Yes, indeed sex is a battle and love is a war, but would Sun Tzu commit himself to strike on only one front in neglect of all the other affairs of state? “The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike,” and you, my friend, will forget her. 

[But there's so much more than bangin this chick to experience. You shouldn't bang her to the exclusion of everything else because when it end you'll feel totally empty.]

Artist: “This soul should fly from me, and I be chang'd
Into some brutish beast! All beasts are happy,”

[Let me feel empty, she be drainin' me dry bro!]

Lush: “For, when they die,
Their souls are soon dissolv'd in elements;”

[Yeah, and when you're dry you'll be nothing.]

Enter Victoria.

Victoria: Fare artist do you await my call? Charming lush are you yet here past the sunset? With tongue so eloquent yet step’d in vicious poison. Away! Lest thy carriage reveal thy true nature, for it is but a pumpkin dressed in grandeur awaiting the stroke of dawn.

[Hey babe, you ready to go? Oh god not you! The sarcy cunt, why don't you fuck off on home.]

Lush: Save they words sweet scented succubus. Do you not see how you have reduced this once great man, in swaddling bands, to worship in the shadow of thy visage. Will you leave him weeping at the gates of hades as you dance back into Pluto’s arms?

[Yeah you're hot but you're still a bitch. You've got him pussywhipped alright. Go to back to Hell and fuck Satan.]

Victoria: Oh how your words wound me like the sharpest bolts of slings and crossbows. Should you feel that the appeal of thy wits are of more allure than eves of mine tender bosom, then let the kind artist decide how better he should spend out those last dwindling hours of twilight.

[Harsh! Well if you think he'd rather hang around gabbin' to you then get down with this, why not ask him what he thinks?]

Artist: Let me not decide! 

[Duuuuude, unfair!]

Lush: ….Dare thee use thy womanhood to seduce? For what do you think you are but Helen come again?! Do not tempt Agamemnon to send his ships for I will besiege the gates of Troy if it means to lose Achillies a thousand times over in the pursuit. Yet till the morrow, have your wicked way, for Odin held trust enough in Loki’s better nature to let him roam free and to fall (to artist, without pause) by his own errors.

[Got him pussy-whipped, huh? You think you're all that and then some? I will go to town on you bitch! But fair enough, if he wants his hole I'm willing to stand back and let it happen.]

Victoria: (mockingly) Then let our paths not cross once more till Ragnarok ensue. Come now gentle artist, turn thy sweet fingers again through these fragile threads and sing of me once more my praises.

[See you in Hell! Come on babe, tell me how much you love me.]

Artist: Yes, a thousand times! A thousand times and yet a thousand more should it please the swooning heart which beats within thy tender breast.

[Sure, I'll do anything for you.]

Act 1 of Counting Down The Days, by Antony Sammeroff and Finn Townsley

This is the kind of thing that Finn and I do when we're up till 9am drinking rum.

Aritist: (Excited) Oh so you’ve read Adorno’s On the Fetish-Character in Music and the Regression of Listening.

Lush: Yes, indeed, I found it most enlightening, but I have to say Tea-adores reliance on outmoded views expressed in the last instalment of Marxes Das Capital somewhat retrograde. (Coughs) But speaking of cultural theory, did you not find Sartre’s Nausea expressed a most simplistic view of human angst.

Arist: I no longer remember anything of, nor can I comment on Angst. It seems so far away, distant, ever since I met the woman.

Lush: A Woman? Singular? Surely the plural would be far more worthy. Why, Would Byron set his heart on one? Was Alexander to be tamed? Would Huxley settle for that ragtag Laura alone? But of course not! A man of letters exists to be loved: if by one, well it is, if by more than one, why even more so. For imagine if a man should conclude to write only, arbitrarily, with the letter D. Such a stunt upon his vocabulary would that bring. And likewise, why should the language of love be so limited, if only for a woman.

Artist: But were she a letter she would express all the syllables and more so besides. Had you had seen her eyes, like the sun and moon burning bright within that face of which the cosmos is merely an effigy, then you would surely only begin to fathom the depths of affection that well within my breast. Then you would know, that there could be no other sun and moon that could possibly illuminate, nor capture, the heart of the man that I may hope to one day call the earth that these heavenly bodies humble in their orbit.

Lush: I have gazed upon those celestial bodies that you declare all too fare, as those common features of her face, and I feel you are too much romanced my friend and all too soon, by those baubles that sparkle, not with the light of the sun but only in the sunlight. I fear you will taste these forbidden fruits, much to your folly, and from the gates of Eden I will have to bid you a sad farewell.

Artist: If Eden is the price to pay for bliss, then for what? When Eden holds no longer bliss, for that which we dare call Eden pales in comparison to those temptations held without, then of what is this fair paradise Eden reduced to but mere shadows upon the walls opposing the platonic form of Love. But we are excommunicated from Eden only to return to it, perhaps not in body corporeal, but in our ethereal heart of hearts, where we find that very true bliss of union with the god incarnate in man, is in the womb of that fair rose we call the woman.

Lush: Why deny the possibilities of the infinite joys that could exist outwith, for those finite joys that must exist only it the confines of that paltry warmth that is her one. As a great man once said, “Marriage is the tomb of love.” Yes, indeed sex is a battle and love is a war, but would Sun Tzu commit himself to strike on only one front in neglect of all the other affairs of state? “The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike,” and you, my friend, will forget her. 

Artist: “This soul should fly from me, and I be chang'd
Into some brutish beast! All beasts are happy,”

Lush: “For, when they die,
Their souls are soon dissolv'd in elements;”

Enter Victoria.

Victoria: Fare artist do you await my call? Charming Lush are you yet here past the sunset? With tongue so eloquent yet step’d in vicious poison. Away! Lest thy carriage reveal thy true nature, for it is but a pumpkin dressed in grandeur awaiting the stroke of dawn.

Lush: Save thy words sweet scented succubus. Do you not see how you have reduced this once great man, in swaddling bands, to worship in the shadow of thy visage. Will you leave him weeping at the gates of hades as you dance back into Pluto’s arms?

Victoria: Oh how your words wound me like the sharpest bolts of slings and crossbows. Should you feel that the appeal of thy wits are of more allure than eves of mine tender bosom, then let the kind artist decide how better he should spend out those last dwindling hours of twilight.

Artist: Let me not decide!

Lush: ….Dare thee use thy womanhood to seduce? For what do you think you are but Helen come again?! Do not tempt Agamemnon to send his ships for I will besiege the gates of Troy if it means to lose Achillies a thousand times over in the pursuit. Yet till the morrow, have your wicked way, for Odin held trust enough in Loki’s better nature to let him roam free and to fall (to artist, without pause) by his own errors.

Victoria: (mockingly) Then let our paths not cross once more till Ragnarok ensue. Come now gentle artist, turn thy sweet fingers again through these fragile threads and sing of me once more my praises.

Artist: Yes, a thousand times! A thousand times and yet a thousand more should it please the swooning heart which beats within thy tender breast.


Click here for awesome annotated version!

The Glorious Return of the ILLICH Sketch Show

Illich Performs Live, Great Responses

Euan and I performed as part of the Three Chord Theatre event last ngiht held at the Flying Duck in Glasgow,

Before shooting over to Ayr to do a second show at an "alternative variety show" set up by Warcry Productions taking place at Saffy's Cafe, Bar and Brasserie.

We were absolutely overwhelmed with the positive responses we got to each of the shows, people laughed all the way through and gave us fantastic compliments and we made some contacts regarding future performances.

Thankyou to Kenny Boyle and Andrew Campbell for booking us!

More to come :-)

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 10)

Performed by Illich, recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite

Illich Sketch Show @ Pilot 4 during Edinburgh Fringe

So the Illich Sketch Show was performed live for the first time in the history of the world, ever, ever last night at the Flatrate event, Pilot 4.

Euan Sinclair had this to say on the matter:
"Our first live show was every bit as chaotic as you'd imagine, but Illich went down well with that Edinburger lot. And we performed a new sketch - written three days' previous - that we intend to inflict upon YOU!! ILLICH Hath Spoken."


My brother Jono drove us down from Glasgow and kicked around, even made a cameo appearance as Illich character Mad Dog MacGraw and friends Finn Townsley, Adrianna Polito, and others turned out to support. Yay.

The 10th installment of Illich will be up on youtube shortly. Exciting stuff.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 9) Featuring Osho and Anthony deMello

oh yes, what's that old turn of phrase? destroy your heroes?

Performed by Illich, recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite

Pilot 3 (a Flatrate production)

I had the pleasure of appearing as Ben E. Sharpe (one of our reoccuring characters on the Illich Sketch Show) at Pilot, "An Open-Mic Night. But loads of them. All at once. All mixed up into a lovely Podcast and available to download from the internet." It was arranged by Flatrate and hosted at the Centre for Contemporary Arts, Sauchihall Street, Glasgow.

CHECK OUT THEIR PREVIOUS PODCASTS HERE

It was really fun basically I was to make improvised business consultations in character with anyone who fancied ceasing the opporuntiy (my friends Finn, Suzy and Randolph who came along had a shot), there were some really funny unexpected moments. Links to the podcast will go up when the news comes through, and some of the extra material will be used on the Illich youtube channel which is really cool.

There were some really great comic acts there including Chloe Philip (stories of funny experiences in the states, shoplifting and institutionalised racism) Martin Bearne (an extended list of punchlines) Geoff Gawler (whom I shared an enjoyable a highly amusing improvised interview with where he posed some left of field questions as an ABC Austrailia reporter) Eleanor Morton (ukulele-driven musical comedy.)

The next Pilot will be held on the 14th of August at as part of the Edinburgh Fringe.
Colin Chaloner of Flatrate also proposed that Illich is reprisented at this event which is really flattering, so we will definately be looking into preparing something for it.

Now, back to Blade Runner.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 8) FEATURING KEANU REEVES!!!!

here it is:

Performed by Illich, recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 7)

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode 6)

Recording the new Illich Sketches

Well it's official, with the post of Episode 5 of The Illich Sketch Show we officially ran out of archived material last week.

Today Euan Sinlair and I went up to see Jono at the Soular Power Suite to record the new episodes. Much hilarity and corpsing ensued  and we're particularly keen on the new episodes so stay tuned to the channel, those of you who may have been watching anyway. (subscribe even ;-) ;-) )

I ended up at the flat party of my friend Madz last night who is the most dashing of Madzes
and was introduced to a (perhaps clinically) insane individual (said with the warmest affection) who introduced me to her amusing website Captain Bucko (.com) check out the SIr Gertreude section for a laugh.



Things got emotional later on as Evonne hugged mr. Euan Sinclair goodbye and bid him well on quest to pasures more eastern over in Mongolia where he is set to travel for an indeterminate time. Euan has been my flatmate and closest friend for most of the last year so it's going to be a whole new life when he's gone. We bid him well and a final farewell at his going away party on Friday near Nairn.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Five)

Hey the new Illich is up and this ones a real favourite of ours, hope you like it. Created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)

Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Four)

I'm just back from the Isle of Wight and Episode 4 of the Illich Sketch Show is now up, created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)

Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Three)

Illich Sketches Euan SinclairHey! Please check out Episode 3 of the Illich Sketch Show created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)

Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.

Illich - The High Brow Sketch Show (Episode Two)

Here's Episode 2 of the Illich Sketch Show created in collaboration with Euan Sinclair :-)



Recorded and engineered by Jono at the Soular Power Suite.