"Static Speed Dating" by Antony Sammeroff and Finn Townsley 04/12

Cast:
Narcissist (f)
Shy Guy (m)
Insane Girl (f)
Arrogant one (m)
Humourist (m)
Yogi (f)
Intelligent One (m)

Narcissist enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Narcissist. Hi, I'm a narcissist! I’m into...me, and the things I like, and I really like people who like Me! I really looking for someone who’s interested in talking about me, and likes listening to things I say about life. My perfect partner would look just as attractive as I do but wouldn't have much of a personality so that he could be like, a blank canvas that I would project whatever I want in a man onto. So I'd think that he was exactly the man I wanted despite who he actually was! Ok text back!

Narcissist moves to the back of the stage to watch. Shy Guy enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Shy Guy. I'm the shy guy. I'm really sweet and tender, and not in any way sexual. I'm the kind of guy you tell your friends you want, and you wish you were in love with, but when you meet me you're just never really attracted. I tend to watch from afar without ever making a move. I think that friendship will one day lead to love, but it never really does. I live in my imagination and I'm artistic: a musician , watercolour painter or short-story writer. I hang out in groups of people who speak about lofty matters but I just listen and never really say much. If I do find a girlfriend she'll be a little more sociable than me, and will probably stay with me for years and years and years, but only cos she's afraid of change. Please be that woman.

Shy Guy moves to the back of the stage to watch. Insane Girl enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Insane Girl [Overly Enthusiastically at First]. Hi!!! [suddenly self-conscious, she corrects herself] I'm the girl with self-proclaimed insanity! My normality confuses me so I try to make up for it by regularly doing arbitrary things, which may seem 'random,' as they call it, but are all actually completely premeditated! I consider my clothes to be a feature of my personality, because I don't really have one. My perfect partner would be as bland as I am but be in no way self-aware enough to consciously recognise how banal he is!

Insane Girl moves to the back of the stage to watch. Arrogant One enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Arrogant One. Hi, I'm the arrogant one. I don't care who you are really, you're just an extension of my will upon the world to love me. My standoffishness attracts you to fill the void as you wonder why I’m not showing any signs of interest, but I'll be done with you as soon as I get bored, because I've had you and I need to prove myself! I need to constantly reaffirm that I can have other people, otherwise I won't feel secure in my status. Realistically, lets come together and perpetuate out own cycles of self-loathing. Call back! If you think you can handle me.

Arrogant One goes to the back of the stage and puts his arm around the Narcissist with the implicit assumption of success. She is only too glad for the attention and they pair up, while watching the rest of the speed-dating candidates.  Humourist enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Humourist.  Hi I’m an alcoholic! Just Kidding! I’m the one who uses humour to cover my insecurities - Just kidding! Well no, not really. I tell jokes a lot! I pretend not to care if nobody laughs but actually in dying inside - Just kidding! Well, no not really. Everyone seems to like me, but no one wants to date me. I can't understand why because I’m always the life and soul of the party! I'm just not quite sure if people are laughing with me, or at me - Just kidding! Well no, not really. Hahaha! I want you to love me! I've been obsessively in love with my best friend for years but I promise not to compare you to her too much... If you choose me I promise devotion, love, and altering my personality in any way shape or form that suits you, quite despite my basic human needs. Just kidding! Well no, not really.

Humourist moves towards the back of the stage and, seeing that Narcissist is already spoken for moves towards Insane girl and prods her in the belly playfully, she gapes dramatically and then starts play-fighting with him, slapping his hands, before suddenly wrapping her hands round his neck and trying to lick his ear while he moves tries to move his head back out of her reach. Finally the kiss once on the lips and settle down as a pair, his arms round her waist, to watch the other speed-dating candidates. Yogi enters the stage and addresses the Audience.

Yogi [Slowly and drawn out, with a sense of calm]. Namaste. I'm the one who does yoga. I'm looking for a spiritual life-partner who will talk about self-attainment and non-attachment while bolstering my spiritual ego by telling me how honest and full of love and light our relationship is compared to those of the common herd. We’ll sip green tea while he ignores his own emotional environment and dismiss any signs of mine as a mere symptoms of the ego, which can be overcome with sufficient chanting and meditation. The Lotus Flower is ever in the water but not of it. Inlakesh. We are one. 

Yogi finds her way over to Shy Guy, presses her hands together before her and bows then leans over to kiss him on the forehead, he blanches for a second embarrassed, and not knowing quite how to react, but he bows back self-consciously. She takes his hands before her and holds them up, then slides them round her waist onto the small of her back, and the two watch the final performance as a pair.

Intelligent One. I’m the intelligent one who’s completely socially inept. Sometimes I come across as a bit interesting at first, but I’ll soon put you off by talking down to you and belittling your opinions. I can’t understand why being serious all the time doesn’t create attraction and I only talking about worldly matters and social science to the exclusion of all personal thoughts and feelings. I look down on most people for being too frivolous anyway and any jokes I might make require extremely specialised knowledge to understand so I’m looking for someone bookish whose as boring and serious as I am. If you’re interested in meeting up to exchange opinions, or better still listening to my ideas, especially on how the world should be run, please email me at this address.

Intelligent One turns round to inspect the talent and realises everyone has already paired off.

Intelligent One. Balls.

Lights go off, actors organise themselves in a row.

Lights come back up and actors take their bows.