"No Intelligent Life" by Antony Sammeroff

Since the dawning of humanity the question had been asked "Is there intelligent life in space," and since the dawning of the question "Is there intelligent life in space," the question had been asked, "If there is intelligent life in space, why haven't they contacted us?"
Despite the level of mysticism surrounding the latter question on earth, to the Interplantery Council the response was rather straight forward: "Why would anyone want to?" It was generally agreed that the Earth, too primitive to to bother with and too insignificant to zap, was best left ignored, and so it was for a number of millenia.
Then one day someone there thought it might be a terribly good idea to export humanity, and more hideously Americanisation, to the rest of the galaxy. For some reason this school of thought seemed to catch on. Speculation into the reason why anyone might think this idea was terribly good as opposed to just terrible was largely fruitless, but at one point was summerised by an overweight advertising clerk working on a project for an Earth corporation specialising in the sale of toilettries, "Oh yeah, space, thats a huge market."

"death is not what happens after we live, our whole life is our death " Philosophy and Comedy April/May 2005

04/04/2005

 funny how in the hedonsitic quest for hapiness we become what we always abhored 

19:24:00 04-08-2005

I went mad for about three and a half days.
I was having all these thoughts, some were profound, some were groundless and some were rediculously paranoid but I didn't have the ability to tell the diffence.
I felt intoxicated when I was completely sober.
I've never knows such insanity. 

have you ever been afraid to tocuh the computer because if you click "shut down" you'll be shutting yourself down, if you click "restart" you'll start life all over again, if you click "stand by" time will pause completely except for you and if you click "cancel" you'll cancel your existence completely?  

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I want to live life the way i want to live, not ought to live
- What are you celebrating?
- Why, the celebration of course!
- What is the reason for the celebration?
- Well, if you need a reason to celebrate... then life is a good a reason as any!
- Whats so good about life?
- The fact that it gives you the opportunity to celebrate!



I'm not afraid to tell you that I need you today (won't you light my way?)
Joanne says:
how do u cope with stress antony

Antony says:
that is an excellent question

Antony says:
I usually ignore whatever it is that is stressing me out and pretend it doesn't exist


Mum: Antony you're missing a great program
Me: What about
Mum: [some guy that can do complex mathematics all in his head]
Me: I so don't care
Mum: He's a genius
Me: So am I
*end of conversation*


they're a better band then any of the bands you like that I don't like



"So am sittin on the bus listinin away to slayer (Angle Of Death)"
Me:
"OH FUCK!! NOT 66.6 DEGREES????"


I always say "Yarrr I'm a pirate" but that doesn't make me one, does it?
Sometimes I wish I was, so,

Once again I turn to the logic of Omar that I refined and personalised:
"hobos are just pirates without boats" -Omar
"musicians are just hobos with guitars" -Omar
Therefor, I am a pirate :D:D:D

Claire: "Your not a hobo!"
Me: "haha some might disagree with you,"
Me: I haven't shaved in ages, I have no full time occupation and I'm a musician without a band..."

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Welcome To "Antony Makes Fun Of People" Todays Contestants: People who use stupid "words"

(that are not real words) - Thankyou Marge

Lets start with "lolol" etc. ad infinitum
GOD THIS PISSES ME OFF
What the fuck is "lolol" supposed to mean? Laughing out loud out loud???
How about "lololol" ? Laughing out loud out loud out loud???
Fuck you! It's irritating!
I know you're not actually laughing out loud and adding more "ol"s to the end doesn't convince me. Just shut the hell up.

"soz" "tomoz" "lolz"
WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET THE "z" FROM??? -Marge Herself
Were you trying to talk to me about Zebras but forgot to press space... and then promptly changed your mind? Because thats the only excuse I can think of for saying these stupid words!
"Soz ebras!!" = "So... Zebras..." etc. <---
"lolz ebras!!" = "lol! Zebras..." etc. <--- both appropriate uses of the misplaced "z"
also observe: "Tomoz ebra, thats what I'm going to call my zebra, he's called 'Tomo Zebra'!"

"sowwie"
Hey cunt, if you're sorry say it like you mean it. FFS.

"huggles"
JESUS CHRIST!
Either give me a Hug OR a Cuddle... don't mix and match!
This word pisses me off probably more then any other one except lololololetc.
Infact I'm going to impose a mandatory 5 minute block on anyone who says it to me on MSN, and don't think of saying it to me just to be funny. Fuck I shouldn't have said anything.

Hey Fionn, this journal entry choc full of hatey goodness or what?

thankyou, goodnight.

Touching Heaven In Sleep (from my old Livejournal)

I had a weird experience in my dreams last night. I wouldn't call it a spiritual experience (and certainly not a religious experience) because I amn't permanently changed by it or anything but it was thought provoking.

I was dead and being a ghost in this upper realm type thing, and any time you're tired of being a ghost you can go upstairs and move on to the next world.

You know how when you're asleep your dreams can trigger off emotions the same way as life does?
Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Love... the full spectrum...

Well, when I finally went upstairs there was this bright light shining through the clouds and in a few seconds I was drifting towards it I felt TOTAL divinity run through my entire body, it was so euphoric and the closer I got the stronger it got like a light shining brighter, spreading through my entire body. All in about 3 seconds I was touching the Realm of the Lord.
As I was drifting (same 3 seconds) I looked down through the clouds at the world and I wondered what would happen if I went there instead of into the light and if I tried to see what it was like would I get another chance to go up later...

...I started falling, falling to the ground, through the ground and into the fiery pit, just for a second, then I woke up staring at the wall, I felt like Satan was behind me.

You know the expression "Get ye behind me Satan?"
I'd say it's the last place you want him to be, you can't see what mischief he's getting up to and you'll be too scared to look behind you and check.
Keep him where you can see him.

I have never been a believer in religion, and certainly not heaven or hell, however Steve, my band mate, likes the symbolism of Jesus as a saviour and Satan as he who tempts us to stray from a richeous path. I think my dream was merely symbolic, but I'd give anything to touch the realm of the Lord once again.

The Postmaster

A lot of my email keep bouncing, I get this postmaster-delivery-error type message. Sometimes I wonder who the “postmaster” is and where the emails are coming from.

I like to think he is this big king that sits on a throne of paper machete letters on a hill of envelopes. His robe is lined with first class stamps and his golden scepter has “postmaster” engraved on the top. He lives in cyberspace and looks at everyone’s email, except the ones say “enlarge your penis,” he’s tired of looking at those ones.

Oh postmaster where art thou?

Does Love Exist?

This is something I have been pondering particularly over the last couple of moths, but certainly for at least a year.

Of course I mean the concept of being “in love,” not the attachment for friends and family, the bond and love for their individuality and sheer being.

Is being “in love” something unique or just the right combination of lust, friendship, thinking a personality is beautiful and enjoying the time spent with them?
Are these two descriptions one and the same?

I know that in the past I’ve believed I was in love, I’ve had butterflies in my stomach just thinking of someone, but these feelings would fade over time (be it months or years) and I haven’t had butterflies for about four. Still though, this doesn’t negate the fact that those feelings actually existed. I certainly would have gone to the ends of the world for these people, but would I not do the same for those I feel the “other” kind of love?

I always consider that I am desensitized to these emotions, much like other things, and I have reasons to think this true.

If you say “I don’t believe in love” to the wrong people the will take in unkindly. “But I AM in love!” their minds will moan and they’ll make it their mission to convince you with their experiences of pain and sacrifice or unequivocal joy.
Could they be trying to justify their lust, or are they merely hurt at the thought that someone could think that all their strong emotions tied to a person are nothing but that, strong emotions.

I certainly don’t believe in the concept that there is a special person destined for everyone and love is forever, otherwise we’d all be in perfect relationships.
A married friend recently told me she thinks when you love someone it’s only in the beginning, the you just become accustomed to being with them. My hope is that one day I meet someone magical, and after the spark runs out she will be like my best friend with benefits, perhaps my wife and even the mother of my kids.
In fact, further down the line I would actually consider marrying some of my friends... watch out.

“If love is only a feeling, why are you crying then?” – Justin Hawkins


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Also see: Love Is Selfish

The Game of Life

Life is a funny old game,
It's like,
This person wants to spend their life with this person
And this person wants to spend their life with this person
And this person is sad coz they want to spend their life with that person
And some people spend their life wondering when they're going to be spending their life with a person when they're already spending their life wondering and maybe they should just make the best of the time they are spending

July 2004 funny(ish) stuff

Fashion is something so ugly it has to be changed every 15 minutes

Funny quotes of the day:
"It's funny, if I went up to most girls and said 'I'd like to have sex with you' they'd slap me, but you think it's sweet"


IDiedAtLakeBodom: im a very nice person!
IDiedAtLakeBodom: a very nice person who happens to like licking nipples!

IDiedAtLakeBodom: awwww
IDiedAtLakeBodom: you hate me
IDiedAtLakeBodom: and my nipples
IDiedAtLakeBodom: and my nipple licking habbits

IDiedAtLakeBodom: im trying to recruit a viking hoarde to take over the universe and lick peoples nipples, wanna join?

IDiedAtLakeBodom: i withdraw my offer of mutual nipple licking

Ultimate Geek Fantasy: Girl in a Star Fleet uniform
phew! only I could have thought of that! I'm such a character!


IDiedAtLakeBodom: you are no longer in my clan of space monguls
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: ur banished from donkey cult
IDiedAtLakeBodom: no way! You can't banish me!
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: lol yes i can
IDiedAtLakeBodom: fine then, I'll form my own donkey cult
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: dont u DARE
IDiedAtLakeBodom: I am, I've done it already
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: doom on u, doom on u
IDiedAtLakeBodom: see, "As of this moment, I declare open the Antony Donkey Cult of Nipple Lickery, Starfleet Uniforms and Space Monguls"
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: NOOOOOOOOOO

don't worry, you're still in my crew of swashbuckling pirates
we're going to sail to the moon!
we will politely sip tea with the martianarians

viking shmiking: A viking dismissed from the conversation

what quirks? list, and the describe in detail my quirks...



Space: The Final Frontier

Today I am wondering what is in the centre of our galaxy, is it some kind of super omega star that all the other starts orbit around?

The other thing I've been wondering is how far away the next closest galaxy is and thats why I have to form a star fleet of intergalactic monkey catchers, the plan is as follows:

Phase 1 -
Invent a way of travelling through space really really fast
Phase 2 -
Build a vehicle capable of long distance space travel
Phase 3 -
Produce a really long measuring tape
Phase 4 -
Use all above technologies to measure the distance from the edge and centre of our galaxy to that of our closest neibour.
Phase 5 -
Catch any monkeys that got loose in the process

I estimate this plan will take 6 or 7 years to complete, but the information aquired will be worth that wait.

16.35:
haven't you read my journal?
it's actually reached peak levels of nonsensical hilarity!

to break hearts

IDiedAtLakeBodom: the reason i had to go was because I was at work
xxxxxxxxxxxxx: and what´s ur job? to break hearts?